


With or Without You

by pitch_playbook



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bellarke, Bravenlarke, Clexa, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Multi, Multiple ships, OT3, Polyamory, Princess Mechanic, braven
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2015-08-21
Packaged: 2018-03-30 00:04:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3915664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pitch_playbook/pseuds/pitch_playbook
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke and Bellamy met in college and have been together ever since. They have a routine, it's simple but simple becomes far less appealing when a girl from Bellamy's past comes back into his life. Life is good until it isn't and Clarke is left struggling to find herself again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am going to preface this story by saying that this is a story about life and love and multiple relationships that spans over many years. This story will feature Bellarke, Bravenlarke, Braven, Princess Mechanic and Clexa. I don’t know exactly how it ends yet but obviously not all of these pairings can be together in the end. Fair warning, if you want to read a story where your favourite ship is definitely endgame this one may not be for you. For anyone who does want to go along for the ride welcome and I hope you enjoy it. As always any reviews and comments are greatly appreciated if you have a moment to leave one or send me a message on Tumblr (shesamarshmallow).

She hands him a towel and he smiles at her. It was that smile that made her give him a chance in the first place. She wasn’t looking for a relationship and she certainly wasn’t looking for a relationship with a pretentious history major but here they are.  Two and a half years on and she still gets butterflies when he smiles, at least when he smiles at her like that.

 

He shakes his head and the water flies out of his dark curls and onto her face. She swats at him playfully, he’s always doing this. Why can’t he just dry his hair with a towel like a normal person? He takes the towel she just handed him and wipes off the water he just flicked on her face. He is gentle about it, he always. Is. He reaches a hand up and brushes Clarke’s own wet hair out of her face. He leans in and kisses her, his warm, wet chest press against her own. Showering together was a good idea she thinks, a very good idea.

* * *

 

They dry off and get dressed, eventually. It’s a Sunday morning and they have nowhere to be, no one to answer to. If Clarke wants to lay in bed with Bellamy and watch trashy reality TV that’s what they’re going to do. He never complains about her choice of programming, even though she knows he doesn’t much care for the drama. He watches for her and most of the time he just watches her, or reads. She lays her wet head on his now dry chest; he doesn’t even flinch. He curls his arm around her shoulders and kisses the top of her head.

 

After a few episodes she tires of the drama herself and maybe she gets a little bit hungry. She’s brave to be cooking bacon in just a bra and shorts but this summer has been pretty hot and Bellamy enjoys the sight. He comes up behind her and wraps his arms around her waist. It is way too hot out for the skin on skin contact but neither of them cares. She flips the bacon and turns around, her lips meeting his. There’s a hunger inside of her that has nothing to do with the growling in her stomach. She doesn’t want to stop but he untangles his hands from her still wet hair as she turns back to the bacon. No one likes burnt bacon, especially not Bellamy.

 

“Do you want some juice?” he asks.

 

“Orange. Thanks babe.”

 

Their routine is comfortable, like they have been doing this for more than a mere seven months. They dated all throughout their last two years of University and moved in together afterwards because it just made sense. He was looking for teaching work and her for a nursing position at the local hospital. She got hers fairly quickly and she kept him company at night while he looked for job openings. He started teaching fourth grade at a school nearby a couple months ago and they were relieved. He had talked of looking for work in other districts but Clarke wanted him here, she needed him here.

 

She watches him as he crunches on bacon and reads the paper. He only ever reads the main news section and the classifieds. He never buys anything so Clarke is not even sure why he reads them but sometimes he reads her the funny ones. She laughed so hard she squirted orange juice out of her nose one time. Why someone even had a fifty foot blow up elephant, much less was trying to sell it was beyond her. He passes her the rest of the paper, she only ever reads the sports section. She always jokes with Octavia that she has the least stereotypical boyfriend ever. He hates sports; he doesn’t know a thing about them. While Lincoln, Octavia and Clarke enjoy the Super Bowl, Bellamy prepares the snacks.

 

“Octavia invited us for dinner on Wednesday night,” she announces as they finish up the last of the scrambled eggs.

 

“I like how my sister texts you to invite us over for dinner,” he laughs.

 

He is glad Octavia and Clarke get along as well as they do. He’s not sure how he would deal with loving a girl who his sister doesn’t like. Octavia was his world for a very long time, they’re grown up now but he’s still close to her. She has a big place in his heart and Bellamy is just happy there is room enough for another woman in there.

 

“I think she’s pregnant.”

 

Clarke says it so nonchalantly and Bellamy almost chokes on his toast.

 

“She’s not,” he says flatly and shakes his head.

 

“Bell, come on. They’ve been together for years and they’re engaged. Would it really be such a bad thing?”

 

He shrugs. Lincoln is a good guy but this is his baby sister.

 

“How do you know anyway?”

 

“I can tell. I think that’s probably why she invited us to dinner. I mean, besides the fact that we are obviously very cool people.”

 

Bellamy just laughs again and reaches over to wipe some jam off the corner of her mouth. Another thing he always does. Clarke figures he got so used to taking care of Octavia that it just carries over into his other relationships. She tries to imagine him wiping jam off of Jasper’s cheek.

 

She picks up the plates from the table and brings them over to the sink. He gets up and follows her over, taking a new cloth from the drawer to dry with. She washes and he dries, that’s part of their routine. They clean up all of the dirty dishes and utensils in silence. Clarke has always liked that the silences between them are comfortable. She can sit silently with Bellamy all day and be totally okay. Yet another reason she loves him. He is her comfort.

* * *

 

She walks into the living room, grabs a shirt off the back of the couch and slips it on.  She took it off last night in the middle of a movie whose name she can’t remember and it never went back on. She throws Bellamy’s pants and t-shirt to the side and sits down. He comes in a few seconds later and just stands in the doorway staring at her. She winks at him and gives him a come hither look that makes him weak in the knees. He almost wants to throw that shirt back onto the couch and pick up where they left off last night.

 

Instead he lays down on the couch tossing his pants and shirt on the floor. His legs rest on Clarke’s and he sighs contently. She picks up one of the five or six books he is currently reading off the table and passes it to him. He smiles a thank you and flips to the page he has dog-eared. She turns on the TV and keeps the volume on low. He never complains about her making noise while he reads but she tries to keep it down. She won’t torture him with any more reality TV for today, but she has episodes of Grey’s Anatomy to catch up on.

 

She plays with his feet absent-mindedly. Bellamy is not at all ticklish; he doesn’t even flinch as she runs her fingers over his toes and the tops of his feet. She could sit like this for hours. Half way through the second episode he moves, switching his position. His head is now in Clarke’s lap and he’s smiling up at her. She leans down and kisses him before turning back to her show. She runs her fingers through his curls; she has never been able to sit still. When the third episode is over and she is caught up she begins drawing circles on Bellamy’s chest. He continues reading for a while until he’s too distracted by the feeling of Clarke’s hands on his body.

 

He sits up and spins around to face her, his long legs crossed uncomfortably. He leans in and kisses her once, twice, three times on the lips. She can feel the words I love you on his lips. They sit in silence again, Bellamy running his fingers through Clarke’s now dry hair. All she can hear is his breathing, and she likes that. This is what Sunday afternoons were made for.

 

“We should go pick up a few groceries,” she speaks up after a few minutes of silence.

 

Bellamy doesn’t say anything, just stands up and waits for her to follow. 

* * *

 

He takes her hand as they get out of the car and walk toward the doors of the grocery store. Clarke remembers when grocery shopping together became a thing; it was before they even lived together. When she lived on campus and he lived at home with Octavia they would shop together. She would stop him from buying a cart full of junk food and he would help her liven up her basket. She made sure he ate vegetables and he would get her to try strange new things. She never said no to one his suggestions and she usually ended up liking them.

 

He pushes the cart and she grabs the items they need from the shelves. She still likes to eat healthy and Bellamy still has to fight her to get anything with chocolate on it. She always caves. It is impossible to say no to a twenty three year old man who smiles at her like a child who has just seen a puppy. He always promises to save them and not eat them all in one sitting and he usually stays true to his word. Unless Clarke makes him watch the Notebook for the hundredth time in which case all bets are off. You can’t get through that movie without a large dose of chocolate cake he always says, and ice cream. Clarke has a weakness for ice cream so there’s never an argument. He throws a pint of mint chocolate chip into their cart.

 

He tries to cook for her but he usually fails miserably. It shocks Clarke a little bit when she first discovers this and she isn’t quite sure exactly how he and Octavia survived in all the years since their mother passed away. What he lacks in cooking skills though he more than makes up for in cleaning skills. Bellamy does her laundry and for that reason alone Clarke doesn’t care if he ever cooks for her again. Laundry is her nemesis and Bellamy has never turned a load of her bras and panties bright pink.

 

He puts his arm around her shoulder and pulls her in close, kissing the side of her head as a guy in the store checks her out. Clarke thinks jealously looks good on him, but she thinks everything looks good on him. The guy walks in the opposite direction and they don’t see him again. Probably a good thing for him she thinks. Bellamy isn’t the type to keep his feelings to himself.

 

When they get to the check out an older lady rings them up. She smiles at them.

 

“What a lovely couple,” she says.

 

Clarke and Bellamy both smile back at her.

 

“Thank you,” he says, “I’m very lucky.”

 

Clarke thinks she’s the lucky one. The relationship she was in before she met Bellamy ended badly. He cheated on her and she was more than a little bit angry about it. Angry enough to torch every bit of clothing he had left in her dorm room, including his lucky shirt. He wasn’t happy; she didn’t care. He should have just dumped her instead of cheating; it would have hurt less. Bellamy said she was better off without him when she told him the story. She already knew that but she thanked him anyway. There was something very genuine about the way he said it; she knew he was saying it because he cared and not just to say something.

* * *

He was in one of her elective classes in her third year at University. It was a politics class but she knew he was a history major. He sat in the front row and he was that guy who raised his hand to debate with the professor at least twice per lecture. Everyone hated that guy, Clarke usually hated that guy but she didn’t hate Bellamy. His points were smart and obviously well researched. He knew what he was talking about and only came off as slightly pretentious.

 

She walked right into him one afternoon after class. He was walking out one door and she was walking out another. His books fell to the floor and she bent down to pick them up. She apologized profusely; it was all very cliché she thought. Their first meeting was like a scene from every terrible movie ever. He stuck out his hand and she was confused at first, not realizing that he meant for her to shake it. He laughed and she caught on. He told her his name, even though she already knew it from all the times the Professor had called on him. She sat in the back and never said a word so he didn’t know hers. He said it was pretty and that it suited her. He asked her out for coffee after their next class and she wasn’t sure why at the time but she said yes. She wanted to know more about Bellamy Blake.

 

He ordered a caramel mocha latte with extra whipped cream on their date. Clarke liked that he didn’t order something like black coffee to try and impress her. She ordered her black coffee and took a seat across from him. He didn’t speak first even though Clarke could tell that he had a million questions for her. He was after all the guy from the front row who liked to debate with their Professor; of course he had a million questions. She took a sip of her coffee and asked him about his family. She took a risk by going there because you never know how a person feels about their family but she had a feeling it would be okay. He told her all about his sister Octavia and she knew he was more than a pretentious history major, even if he was still very much a pretentious history major.

 

She told him about her mother, a doctor at the local hospital, a surgeon. She told him of the long hours and how they have very little time to spend together but they make the best of it. He figures out that this is why she is a nursing student. She has grown up hearing about how her mother saves lives and now she is on the same mission. She changes the subject once she has talked about her mother; she never brings up her father on the first date. Dead parents aren’t exactly a lively conversation starter, she didn’t know about his mother at the time. She doesn’t feel like she would have liked to bond over their mutual childhood loss, not one the first date anyway. They have talked about them many times since; it hurts less when she talks to Bellamy because she knows that he knows how she feels.

* * *

 

Bellamy begins packing the groceries into Clarke’s car. She has an SUV and she insists that it is the perfect car. Bellamy prefers his little Honda Civic but they never argue about it. Her car can definitely fit more stuff in it and sometimes in life you have a lot of stuff to carry. It’s not profound but Bellamy said that the day she bought the SUV and it stuck with her. She hates the way he packs groceries sometimes. It is not at all logical. She’s not sure how many times she has told him to be careful where he is putting the eggs or not to put the bread under other bags. She just waits for him to finish and get in the car and she rearranges the items. He knows she does it so he just waits, turning on the engine and switching the radio to the indie rock station he likes. He loves Clarke dearly but he can only listen to Taylor Swift so many times.

 

“One more stop to make,” she informs him.

 

He raises an eyebrow, he wasn’t aware that they needed anything other than groceries. He just turns up the radio and waits to find out where they’re headed. When they pull up in the drug store parking lot he knows they’re here for makeup. There is a sale and he thinks Clarke has been going on about needing new lipstick and mascara for a while. He thinks about staying in the car and just waiting but he doesn’t know how long she will be. Really he doesn’t mind what they’re doing if he gets to spend time with Clarke.

 

He holds her hand as they walk through the aisles. The store has been renovated and she isn’t sure quite where they have relocated the makeup. He grabs a box of condoms off the shelf as they walk by them. Eventually she finds the makeup and starts looking at the mascara that is thirty percent off. As she looks at each of the different brands Bellamy thinks he sees a familiar face. When she turns and walks towards them he knows it’s her. She stops when she sees him and smiles.

 

“Raven,” he says and Clarke looks up to see who it is he’s talking to.

 

“Bellamy,” the girl responds excitedly.

 

A girl with dark hair pulled back into a tight ponytail is standing in front of him. Unlike Bellamy she is not the jealous type so she thinks nothing of it. He could know her from anywhere.

 

“What brings you back to town?” he asks, obviously they have a history.

 

“I moved back here a few weeks ago. It turns out this is the cheapest place to open up a garage. I bought space next to that restaurant Miller works at, does he still work there?”

 

Bellamy isn’t sure, he hasn’t kept in touch with everyone from high school. Jasper has mentioned Miller before but Bellamy can’t recall anything specific in the moment.

 

Clarke clears her throat, she may not be jealous but she is definitely curious.

 

“This is my girlfriend Clarke,” he introduces her, “and this is Raven, she’s an old friend.”

 

“Nice to meet you Clarke. I have to get going but we should catch up.”

 

She scribbles her number on the back the mascara package Clarke is holding. Before she walks away Raven winks at her and Clarke finds it a little strange but doesn’t say anything.

 

The car ride home is silent. Bellamy doesn’t talk about Raven but Clarke knows he’s thinking about her. She still isn’t jealous. Bellamy is the kind of person who thinks deeply about everyone, not just people he’s in a relationship with. He will tell her about Raven at some point, he is probably just processing still. Bellamy grew up in this city, Clarke moved here for school. He has a past here and she knows a lot about him but obviously not everything.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter went in a different direction than I had originally intended but I think I prefer it this way. Originally Raven was just going to be a girl they met but I came up with her back-story with Bellamy and ran with it. I hope you enjoy this chapter and thanks for reading. If you have a minute to leave a review or comment or send me a message on Tumblr (shesamarshmallow) with feedback it would be greatly appreciated.

He looks over at her but she’s not looking back at him. She’s laughing and he loves the way her mouth looks when she laughs. Lincoln just told a joke, he didn’t really hear it but Clarke finds it funny. His foot brushes hers under the table and she catches his eye. She screws up her face and sticks out her tongue at him; they are adults after all. Octavia and Lincoln are not even paying attention, now engrossed in some silly argument about a movie they watched earlier.  Octavia insists the fighting style of the warriors was not historically accurate, that’s his sister. Clarke mouths _I love you_ and he smiles, she does and he loves her too.

 

When Octavia and Lincoln settle their debate dinner is finally served. Lasagna, this pleases Bellamy because Octavia’s lasagna has always been one of his favourite foods. He was relieved when she learned to cook because as Clarke can attest, he will never have a show on Food Network. Octavia cuts him a huge piece and shakes her head playfully at the grateful smile that plays across his features. They dig in and everyone is silent for a while. The lasagna is good and the silence is comfortable.

 

“So,” Octavia starts, “I’m just going to come out with it. You’re going to be an uncle big brother.”

 

Clarke smirks as Bellamy’s jaw drops. Clarke was right and she’s never going to let him forget it.

 

She gets up from her chair and throws her arms around Octavia from behind, kissing her on the cheek. She’s excited and Bellamy’s not surprised, she loves kids. Clarke is forever telling him about the children she encounters at work. Being a nurse the kids are usually not the happiest when they see her, but she makes it her mission to cheer them up if she can. Bellamy watches as Clarke and Octavia squeal excitedly about baby this and baby that. He has a feeling he’ll be hearing a lot more of that over the next seven months.

 

Bellamy gives Lincoln a nod and smiles. He’s not really mad at him; he’s been too good to Octavia for Bellamy to ever be really mad at him. It took him a while to come around to the idea of his little sister dating a former junkie who is decidedly a little too old for her, but he got over it. Lincoln is hard to dislike. He’s smart, he shares Bellamy’s interest in history and as Clarke always says, he has a heart of gold. He works with at risk youth and how can anyone say they dislike a guy like that. Lincoln smiles back, Bellamy’s seal of approval is important to Octavia and Octavia is important to him.

 

Clarke and Octavia are still chatting animatedly when Bellamy comes around and wraps them both in a hug. He presses a kiss to the side of Octavia’s head and ruffles her hair.

 

“Congratulations guys, I mean it.”

 

Octavia can tell that her brother is being genuine, she can always tell with him.

 

“Thank you,” she smiles.

 

“Just make sure Bellamy is at the top of your list of names, for a boy or a girl,” he jokes.

 

“Or Clarke,” his girlfriend chimes in. 

* * *

 

They all laugh as they sit back down. Octavia will have made something special for dessert, especially given the news she had to share. Bellamy hopes that it’s chocolate cake and is pleasantly surprised when Octavia removes the cover from her creation and he sees the icing. His favourite, of course; he recognizes it as peace offering in case she needed one after her announcement.

 

“So, what’s new with you two?” Octavia asks between bites of cake.

 

“Not much,” Bellamy shrugs.

 

“Well, we did run into an old friend of Bell’s at the drug store. Raven something.”

 

Octavia raises an eyebrow at Clarke’s revelation. “Raven, as in the Raven Reyes?”

 

“Yeah,” Bellamy confirms, “I guess she moved back to town.”

 

Clarke can tell by the way Octavia said her name that there’s something she’s missing.

 

“Are you going to see her again?” Octavia asks and they can both sense the curiosity.

 

“Maybe,” Bellamy is being deliberately vague and he wishes his sister could take a hint.

 

Lincoln speaks up to say, “isn’t Raven that girl who…” but shuts up quickly when Bellamy elbows him.

 

Clarke’s eyes find Bellamy’s and he knows this conversation isn’t going to end the way he’d hoped. They are definitely going to talk about Raven Reyes. He tries to break eye contact with her but he’s always had trouble doing that. Clarke is looking at him and he can’t help but look back.

 

“We slept together back in high school, it only happened twice. She wanted to get back at her cheating boyfriend and I was there. I wanted something more and she stayed with him. That’s all it was, all we were.”

 

Clarke recognizes that voice; it’s melancholy and non-committal. She’s not sure she believes the finality in the way Bellamy says that’s all they were, but she drops it. Now is not the time or the place to talk about a past fling of Bellamy’s.

 

She just says, “okay.”

* * *

The car ride home is silent. Clarke still rests her head on his shoulder as he drives. Still rubs her hand up and down his thigh gently. Still sings along to every song that comes on the radio. Bellamy still pretends he hates her taste in music but sings along with every song anyway. Still kisses her when they stop at a red light. Still rolls up the windows when he can see that she’s shivering. He knows they’re okay.

 

She runs through the door and flops onto the couch as soon as she makes it inside. Her eyes are begging him to come over and cuddle. He obliges, he is far too weak a man to resist those eyes. She’s taking up most of the couch but he squeezes next to her. She adjusts herself so she’s laying back against him. He wraps his arms around her and kisses the top of her head. She flicks on the TV and he tries to contain a sigh when she settles on Top Model. The girls are pretty but the photos are weird.

 

“Did you love her?” Clarke asks.

 

It comes out of the blue but Bellamy knows exactly who she’s talking about.

 

“I almost did.”

 

He didn’t lie. They did only sleep together twice. Her boyfriend Finn slept with some pretty blonde girl at a party. She hated that he cheated, it broke her heart but she loved him. She just wanted to get back at him. Bellamy was a friend, sort of. They were in a lot of the same classes. They worked on group projects together and Raven always sided with him when debates broke out. They went bowling once, or rather Raven showed up when Bellamy was bowling once and she joined him. They talked after school, sometimes for hours. She had nowhere she needed to be and neither did he. She cried on his shoulder when it happened, she wasn’t crying anymore when she woke up the next morning in his bed.

 

He put a hole in the wall the afternoon he told her that she was staying with Finn. She said that he still wanted her and that she still loved him. He didn’t bother to tell her that he wanted her too. He didn’t say that he wouldn’t ever cheat on her. He didn’t tell her that she took his breath away and made him feel again. For the first time since his mother’s death he could feel again. He didn’t tell her any of that because it didn’t matter. Her mind was made up and he wasn’t out to complicate her life. She had known Finn since childhood; he was just a blip on her radar in high school. She could forget about him easier than she ever could Finn. He let her go and he’s wondered about what could have been ever since. The hole is still there, Octavia hangs artwork over it and no one but the two of them know that it’s there.

 

Clarke turns to face him and runs her fingers along his cheek. She kisses his lips. Her lips are soft and Bellamy lets her pepper the skin along his neck with kisses. She’s straddling him now and running her fingers through his curls. This doesn’t feel like jealously but something has gotten into her and Bellamy likes it. He’s barely breathing when she pulls away, pressing one last kiss to his forehead.

 

She whispers in his ear, “I love you.”

 

“I don’t deserve you,” the words escape his lips and Clarke frowns.

 

She moves off of his lap and sits back down next to him. She rubs soothing circles on his thigh. She’s not saying anything, neither of them are. Clarke doesn’t know what to say. She waits for him to be ready to say anything else.

 

He stands and paces the floor in front of her. He’s making her nervous and she’s worried about him.

 

“Bell, what’s wrong?”

 

It’s still a few minutes before he speaks up. Clarke just stares at his back.

 

He turns towards her and she can see that he’s crying, “I saw her and I couldn't help but think about how much I wanted to kiss her again. I love you Clarke, more than anything in the world but I wanted to kiss her and that killed me. I'm so sorry.”

 

Clarke stands and takes two steps towards him. He doesn’t move to embrace her. She closes the gap between them and reaches her hands up, placing one on each of his shoulders.

 

"Bellamy, hey, stop beating yourself up,” she wipes a tear from his cheek. “It's okay. I love you too and I'm glad you told me. Maybe it's weird but I'm not upset. I think that maybe we can love more than one person and maybe that's okay."

 

Her hands fall from his shoulders and he wraps his arms around her waist. He starts to sway slowly. She leans her head against his chest and dances with him. There’s no music but it doesn’t matter. They don’t speak for a while, they’ve already said so much. When the silence breaks it’s Bellamy who speaks first. His lips are pressed to her ear and he kisses her and then whispers, “You are my everything Clarke Griffin.”

 

She kisses his cheek, “and you are mine Bellamy Blake.”

 

He wants to get back to what Clarke said about loving more than one person, but not right now. He takes her hand and leads her to their bedroom. She strips off her shirt and lays down on the bed. She sticks out her tongue and Bellamy finds her seduction technique more adorable than anything else. His shirt joins hers in a pile on the floor. His hands are tangled in her hair as he kisses her. He loves the way she smiles into lips. Darkness envelopes them and they are a tangle of limbs.

* * *

 

The light blinds him as it shines through the window in their bedroom. Neither of them thought to close the curtains in their haste to get into bed last night. He traces a pattern on Clarke’s still bare skin, willing her awake with his touch. She rolls over and faces him. She’s smiling; she’s always smiling in the morning. Bellamy wonders if it’s his presence that makes her smile or if she’s always been a morning person.

 

“Morning love,” he greets her as she rubs the sleep out of her eyes.

 

“Morning Bell. Did you sleep okay?”

 

He brushes wisps of blonde hair out of her eyes and kisses her on the lips. He nods in answer to her question and rolls off the bed. Clarke watches as he collects his clothes from the floor. He throws them in the hamper and walks around the room looking for something clean to wear. She winks at him as he pulls on a pair of SpongeBob boxers. A few minutes later a blue t-shirt covers his torso and he’s fastening his belt. His hair is a mess, but there are very few times when his curls behave. He leans down to kiss Clarke once more before he exits the bedroom. She watches him walk down the hall before getting up to shower.

 

When Clarke rejoins him in the kitchen after a quick shower she can already smell coffee. She smiles when she sees her favourite mug on the table. One cream, one sugar, he always remembers. She lets the smell waft into her nostrils before taking a sip. It was the smell of coffee that made her try it in the first place. She doesn’t even really care for the taste. She’s not sure he even noticed that she entered the room, too engrossed in whatever it is he’s attempting to make.

 

When he turns around he places a plate with toast and fruit on it in front of her. She grabs a piece of toast from the plate and takes a bite. He sits down opposite her and sips his own coffee; black as night, she knows it. He doesn’t normally eat breakfast but he takes a piece of toast from her plate and takes a big bite.

 

He hesitates but decides to just say it. “What did you mean last night when you said maybe we could love more than one person?”

 

Clarke finishes chewing before she answers. “I just mean that we are capable of so much love, maybe not everyone was meant to share that love with just one person. Maybe we have more than one soul mate.”

 

It sounded less cheesy in her head but she goes with it.

 

“You really believe that?” he looks at her expectantly.

 

She nods. “I always kind of have, I’ve just never been in a situation where it might have mattered.”

 

“And now you are?”

 

“You tell me.”

 

“I just want to see her again,” there’s a desperation in his voice that Clarke takes note of.

 

She’s heard it before. When his lips are pleading for hers. When his body wants to be wrapped around hers. When he needs her.

 

“Then it’s settled. Let’s invite her to dinner.”

 

Bellamy looks at her quizzically. Clarke knows what he’s thinking but she waits for him to say it.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“She seems nice,” she says, Clarke isn’t exactly lying; Raven did seem friendly when they met.

 

She’s also hot, very hot, but Clarke doesn’t say that. She doesn’t mention how shiny her hair was, or how gorgeous her dark eyes were. She doesn’t mention she’s been curious about Raven since the day they met at the drug store. Clarke doesn’t mention any of this, she feels a little guilty but it doesn’t seem like her place. She’s Bellamy’s ex-something, sort of ex; she’s Bellamy’s whatever she is. She won’t exactly be disappointed to see her again though.

 

“Okay,” he nods, “I’ll give her a call and invite her out to catch up.”

* * *

 

He wastes no time, as soon as she gives him the go ahead he’s scrambling around looking for her number. Clarke hasn’t opened the mascara she bought yet; the scrawl on the back of the package is visible on their coffee table.

 

She watches as he takes a deep breath before dialing. He’s nervous. It’s cute. He dials and his phone volume is always up so loud she can hear it ringing from across the table. She can hear Raven answer, a jovial hello followed by a polite, who is this?

 

“It’s Bellamy Blake,” he answers.

 

She can’t hear the whole conversation but she picks out bits and pieces. Bellamy invites her to have dinner at a restaurant they’ve never been to. She recognizes the name though; it’s a more upscale place than they typically go to. She accepts if the smile on his face is any indication.

 

“We are having dinner with Raven on Friday night.”

 

She smiles over at him, “sounds good babe.”

 

She’s not entirely sure how to feel. She sort of has a date with her boyfriend and a girl he used to like, maybe love if she’s being honest with herself. It’s weird right; she thinks it’s weird. Most women wouldn’t be so calm about their boyfriend wanting to hang out with an old flame. Maybe calm is the wrong word; she’s actually kind of excited. If nothing else she gets a glimpse into Bellamy’s past. She knows she’s part of his future but she wants to know about this part of his past. She knows Octavia well, she’s the biggest piece of his past but she can’t recall hearing very much about high school. Octavia has told her some stories but mostly she’s blocked out everything from around the time their mother died.

 

She texts Octavia.

 

_Having dinner with Raven on Friday, that’s weird right?_

_Have fun; you’ll like her ;)_

Clarke isn’t sure what to make of Octavia’s reaction. Maybe it’s just Octavia being Octavia, maybe she’s reading more into the winking emjoi than she should but maybe Octavia is onto something.

 

“Hey,” Bellamy’s voice breaks her out of the daydream she didn’t even know she was having.

 

“Hey.”

 

“You’re sure this is okay with you? I don’t know how happy I would be if you said you wanted to see an ex…”

 

His voice trails off at the word ex. She’s not really his ex.

 

“It’s fine, I’m excited and I can assure you I have no exes that I care enough about to see again.”

 

“Okay, as long as you’re sure. If at any point between now and Friday night you change your mind just say the word and I’ll call her back and cancel. You mean more to me than anything else Clarke, anything.”

 

“I know,” she gets up and kisses him on the cheek. “I know.”

 

She heads into the living room and grabs her sketchbook off the table. He watches as she stretches out on the floor and opens it. She runs her fingers over a few of her other drawings before settling on an empty page. Most of the sketches in this book are of Bellamy. She draws him when he’s sleeping, or reading or just sipping his morning coffee. She likes drawing people; she’s good at it. Today she starts sketching a woman, long dark hair in a ponytail flowing from the top of her head.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: We’ve reached the point in the story where the line starts to blur between Bellarke and Bravenlarke. I have a very clear vision for this story and I really do hope you’ll enjoy the journey. If you have a moment to leave a comment or review or send me a message on Tumblr (shesamarshmallow) with your thoughts on the story it would be much appreciated. Your feedback is so important and helpful to any writer, so thank you if you take the time to leave it and also thank you for reading.

Bellamy smiles over at her from the bed as she puts on what has to be the seventh top of the evening. Clarke is nervous and she wonders if he can tell. She has no real reason to be nervous, they’re just having dinner with an old high school flame of Bellamy’s. He told her already that Raven is pretty laid back; she won’t care what either of them wears tonight. They have reservations at a nice restaurant but Bellamy still wouldn’t be surprised if Raven showed up in jeans. Still though, she wants to look good. She tells herself it’s for Bellamy but there are parts of her that really don’t believe that. There was something about the way Raven smiled at them when they met that she can’t quite get out of her mind. She decides the top she is wearing now is the winner, it’s blue and it matches Bellamy’s dress shirt.

Clarke makes her way over to the bed and Bellamy sits up. She smoothes out the wrinkles in his shirt, she told him not to lie down after he got dressed. His hair is still wet from the shower and he’s wearing her favourite cologne. She pulls him in closer by the collar of his shirt and kisses him. She wonders if he’s always worn this scent and if Raven likes it too. These days she wonders far too much about Bellamy and Raven in high school. He asked him if he loved her and he said almost, she couldn’t help but wonder what Raven’s answer would be. She wonders if she’s still with that guy Finn, the one who she wanted more than Bellamy back then.

 

Bellamy can tell she’s lost in thought. He brushes the stray hairs out of her face and leans in. He places a kiss on her temple before whispering in her ear.

 

“I love you.”

 

It’s so quiet she can barely hear him. His head is resting on her shoulder now and she wraps her arms around him. They only have a few minutes before they should leave if they want to make their reservation but she doesn’t want to move. The sit for a minute or two before Bellamy finally moves to get up. He reaches out his hand and helps her up. He stops her one more time in the porch before they go out to their car.

 

“You’re sure about this?”

 

Clarke nods and smiles at him, reaching up to kiss him on the cheek.

 

“I’m sure.”

 

The drive to the restaurant is short and mostly silent. Bellamy turns up the radio when one of his favorite songs comes on. Clarke’s recognizes it from all the times he’s played it; it is one of Bellamy’s “repeat” songs. She has spent many an afternoon listening to it non-stop, she doesn’t mind though. It’s pretty good and he says it reminds him of her. He will play it at their wedding one day she thinks. She reached that point recently; the point in a relationship where you know this person is your future. He hasn’t proposed yet and they’ve never really talked about marriage but she knows one day it will be Bellamy that she walks down the aisle towards.

* * *

 

He gets out of the passenger side and comes around to open her door. He takes her hand in his as they walk toward the restaurant. He glances over at her one last time just before they enter and Clarke can tell that he’s wondering if she’s sure, even if she’s already said yes a hundred times. He’s nervous now; she can feel it in his energy.

 

The hostess smiles at them as they enter, welcoming them to the restaurant. It’s a lovely place really; the first thing she notices is the fish tank in the wall behind the hostess. Bellamy is usually more of a burger and fries type of guy, which she doesn’t really mind. She likes burgers and fries and she really likes the company. This is different for them, but it’s nice.

 

“Reservation for three, under Blake,” he tells the hostess.

 

“Your…” the hostess pauses when she doesn’t know what to call her, “dining companion is already here,” she finishes.

 

Clarke thinks it must look strange for two people that are obviously a couple to be dining out with a third person at a nice restaurant. Everyone else in the vicinity is clearly on a date.

 

She takes them to their table and Clarke’s jaw drops. Raven is decidedly not wearing jeans but instead a little black dress that Clarke can’t help but notice shows off just the right amount of cleavage. She looks over at Bellamy who is just as taken as she is by the gorgeous woman in front of them. Raven smiles as she stands up to greet them. Clarke watches as Raven wraps Bellamy in a hug. It’s so comfortable it’s like no time has passed, they are seventeen again right before Clarke’s eyes. When Raven releases her grip on her boyfriend she makes her way over to Clarke. Clarke is slightly taken aback when Raven hugs her but she eases into the hug. It feels comfortable, like this shouldn’t be the first time they’ve ever hugged.

 

“I’m glad you came,” Raven says and she’s looking Clarke in the eyes as does.

 

She supposes it’s not every day that your sort of ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend agrees to have dinner with you. It’s a weird situation, which is not lost on the three of them, but neither of them seems to care too much. Bellamy is smiling in a way that Clarke loves. She’s seen him smile like that before, usually at her when she does something for him. He is grateful to be here with them tonight and that makes her smile.

 

When they sit down they notice that Raven has already ordered a bottle of wine. It’s red and it looks to be really fancy. She wonders if Bellamy and Raven drank wine in high school but she doubts it. Bellamy will drink wine under certain circumstances but his drink of choice is always a nice cold beer, or vodka shots if he’s in the mood to party. She has a feeling high school Bellamy would have been the type to get away with buying beer when he was underage and he would have bought the cheapest kind available. She scans the menu, everything sounds so fancy and she kind of likes that.

 

After they order an awkward silence falls over them. Neither of them is really sure how to start a conversation. Bellamy and Clarke have a whole life together that Raven doesn’t know about and Raven and Bellamy have a whole history that Clarke is dying to know about. She’s just not sure how to ask for what she wants to know. She decides just to go for it.

 

“So Raven, got any good stories about Bellamy in high school?”

 

Raven chuckles, Clarke can tell the answer is yes.

 

“There was this one time Bellamy decided it would be a good idea to prank our 10th grade Science teacher. Unfortunately for everyone science wasn’t his strong suit. He mixed the wrong kind of chemicals and the entire top floor of the school had to be evacuated. We spent last period that day getting a lecture in the cafeteria about the dangers of mixing chemicals without proper supervision. Luckily for Bell, I was the only person who knew it was him.”

 

“She never told,” Bellamy says, smiling over at Raven, “lucky indeed because I’m quite sure I would have been suspended, if not expelled for it.”

 

Clarke laughs, Bellamy is so responsible now and he’s a teacher himself. Still, she can imagine him being a rebellious teenager. She knows his mother died when he was young and he went through a rough patch. She wonders if Raven helped him through that at all. She hopes someone like her was there for him, she can tell in the way she talks about him that she cares, even if she’s the kind of girl who pretends she doesn’t.

 

She tells a few more stories about Bellamy and he chimes in with his own stories about Raven. He’s not the only one who had a rebellious streak. She seems to have been his partner in crime, at least for a little while. The stories stop half way through their senior year. She doesn’t mention Finn but Clarke knows he’s the reason why. She stayed with him and Clarke doesn’t know who this Finn guy is but she thinks Raven made the wrong choice. How could anyone not pick Bellamy Blake? She’d pick him every time.

Clarke is quiet, mostly listening to them banter back and forth. She doesn’t mind, this is really why she came. She was curious, about Bellamy, about Raven, about the two of them. She kind of loves how effortlessly they fall back into the camaraderie they had in high school. She loves that they seem to remember every little detail about each other. Raven remembers to ask about Octavia, and Bellamy tells her about his sister’s impending marriage and his niece or nephew on the way. This news seems to excite Raven; she must have liked Octavia when she was hanging around with Bellamy. This doesn’t surprise her; Octavia has probably always been awesome.

* * *

She has long since finished her meal when the conversation turns to the present. She almost doesn’t hear Raven asked her a question; she’s been so wrapped up in their conversation.

 

“I’m a nurse,” she answers, it is a delayed response to Raven asking her about her job.

 

“That’s awesome. No surprise that Bell here has found himself a superhero. He always wanted to save the world.”

 

Clarke doesn’t have to wonder what she means by that. Bellamy is a teacher not only so he can teach kids but so he can save the ones that need saving. He needed that when he was younger, and he knows there are plenty of kids who need it now. Kids like him who lost their parents, kids who are having trouble with schoolwork, trouble with bullies, struggling with mental illness. There are kids who need Bellamy and Clarke is glad they have him.

 

They talk for what seems like hours, and when Clarke looks down at her phone she realizes it has been hours. Clarke told Raven more about her job and Raven told them about the shop she’s opening up. They talked about everything from movies, hobbies and favourite foods to how annoying it is when Bellamy leaves the toilet seat up. He stayed quiet for a while when their conversation was flowing smoothly. He liked seeing them hit it off. Clarke couldn’t help but notice how much the evening felt like a first date. They were getting to know each other in ways Clarke wasn’t sure anyone would want to get to know their boyfriend’s ex-whatever.

 

They only left the restaurant when it seemed like the place was closing down for the night and the busboy wanted to clean their table. Bellamy insisted on paying and Clarke noticed he left a generous tip for the waiter who had the good sense not to ask about their situation. Three friends can definitely have dinner at a fancy restaurant together and it doesn’t have to be a date. Clarke knows as soon as she thinks it that she’d be lying if she said she doesn’t kind of wish it was a date, as strange as that might be. She loves Bellamy more than she ever has or will ever love another human being, but she likes Raven too and she knows he likes her. If her hunch is not wrong she knows Raven likes him too, and maybe, just maybe she likes her. It might be kind of complicated and confusing, but she can’t help how she feels.

* * *

They make their way out to the parking lot and when they arrive at their car Bellamy realizes Clarke unintentionally parked right next to Raven. He should have recognized the red car; she’s had it since high school. She’s obviously a skilled mechanic to have kept it running this long. He leans up against their vehicle, he’s not keen on the night ending; it feels like they’ve talked so much but there’s still so much left to talk about.

 

Raven takes his cue and stands just outside her driver’s side door. She waits for either of them to say anything.

 

“We should hang out again sometime,” Clarke starts, “soon.”

 

“Definitely, maybe you could come over to our place for dinner one night Raven,” Bellamy adds.

 

A cheeky grin plays across Raven’s features, "are the two of you propositioning me for a threesome? If you are I'm down for that. If you're not then this is about to get really awkward."

 

Clarke can’t tell if she’s joking or not. The way Bellamy chokes tells her she may not be.

 

“I umm,” Clarke stumbles over her words; she really doesn’t know what to say. She’s not uncomfortable exactly, just slightly taken aback.

 

Raven saves her by clarifying, “I was kidding, sort of.”

 

Other than his immediate visceral reaction Bellamy hasn’t said anything yet. Clarke can tell he’s thinking very carefully about what he’s about to say.

 

"I wanted you Raven. I was there for you and you walked away. You left me back then and I didn't ask you to come back into my life and mess things up between my girlfriend and I."

 

Clarke can hear the pain in his voice as he speaks. Raven’s off the cuff remark has opened up some old wounds and maybe some new ones for him. She begins to rub soothing circles on his back. The tension in his body eases as she touches him. She’s not angry, she can tell. Emotions are just running high and he said what he’s clearly been dying to say to Raven all night. He wanted her back then and he’s conflicted about how he’s about her feeling now. Clarke wishes she could tell him that it’s okay, and that she gets it. She’s conflicted too. She stays quiet though, for now this conversation is between the two of them.

 

"Hey, I'm not here to mess things up between the two of you. I like you, both of you and quite frankly it seems like both of you like me too. Feel free to tell me I'm crazy but I think there's something here."

 

Clarke bites her bottom lip. Had she really been that obvious? She supposes that even agreeing to this, whatever it is, in the first place was enough of a tell. She could have just let Bellamy go out with her by himself to catch up; the two of them could have hashed things out. He would have gotten everything he needed to off his chest and things could have gone back to normal. She’s kidding herself if she thinks that ever would have happened though. Raven’s right, there’s something here.

 

She interrupts Bellamy when she can tell he’s about to say something. She thinks he might change his mind if she says what’s on hers first.

 

“You’re not crazy,” Clarke says and she can’t believe she’s saying it.

 

She has kept all of her thoughts about Raven to herself since they met her at the drug store. She confides in Bellamy about everything, but this she wasn’t sure about until now. He told her he wanted to kiss Raven again and Clarke never said that maybe she wants to kiss Raven too.

 

Raven smiles at her and Clarke can feel the butterflies in her stomach. Maybe she’s the crazy one but she likes this feeling.

 

“I like you, like way more than I should probably like my boyfriend’s ex-something. If Bellamy is into it, I’d kind of like to go on another date. The three of us.”

 

Bellamy knows now what she meant when Clarke told him she thinks that maybe we can love more than one person. She’s been thinking about Raven too and she probably felt just as guilty as he did so she never told him.

 

“I would like that,” he agreed, “it’s not conventional but you’ve never been conventional, have you Raven?”

 

She shakes her head, smiling at both of them.

 

“How does tomorrow night sound?”

 

“We are free,” Clarke, confirms, “I’ll text you our address. Come over around 5:30?”

 

“Sounds good.”

 

They are all about to get in their cars when Raven walks over to them. Clarke watches as Raven presses a kiss to her boyfriend’s lips. It’s quick but not too quick. She can see that he’s smiling as Raven pulls away and she feels something in her stomach, but it’s not jealously. She’s more turned on than anything else. When Raven turns toward her Clarke thinks she’s headed back to her car but instead she puts her hands on Clarke’s face and kisses her, Bellamy watching from the sidelines this time. The kiss takes her breath away and leaves her literally speechless. Raven’s lips part with hers and she watches as the other woman walks back to her car. Raven gets in the driver’s seat and waves to them as she pulls out of her spot.

 

“Goodnight,” she yells out the widow, “see you tomorrow.”

 

They’re both still reeling from her kisses and they get into their own car silently. They definitely need to talk about what just happened, but for now they’re still taking it in.

* * *

Clarke watches as Bellamy unbuttons his dress shirt and pants. She’s already in bed having slipped off her top and skirt. She smiles at him as he climbs into bed to join her. He looks so happy; she feels the same way.

 

“Nothing that happened tonight changes how I feel about you,” Clarke offers.

 

She could tell he didn’t know how to start the conversation.

 

He wraps his arms around her from behind so she is his little spoon. She can feel the warmth radiating from his body as his chest presses against the skin on her back.

 

“I know,” Bellamy replies. “I love you as much as I ever have, maybe even more so. I think this is a good thing. Strange, but good.”

 

He can feel Clarke nod.

 

“We are just opening ourselves up to another opportunity to love. No harm in that right?”

 

Clarke needs to know he feels the same way, like they’re making their relationship better, not worse.

 

“Yeah, plus, she’s hot right?”

 

Clarke laughs; Raven’s hotness had been just about all she could think about for the week leading up to their date.

 

“Yes, very hot indeed. You have good taste in women Bellamy Blake.”

 

He just moans in agreement. He moves her hair out of the way and kisses the back of her neck. Clarke lays awake for a while, just listening to him breathes as he falls asleep. Her thoughts drift to Raven and to sharing him with her. She thinks about his arms wrapped around someone else, around Raven. She wonders what it means that she’s more excited by the prospect than jealous. She thinks about wrapping her own arms around Raven. She already has it bad; she knows it. She thinks about tomorrow night as she drifts off to sleep.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourselves; Bravenlarke fluff is coming. This chapter jumps forward in time, which is necessary for the story I’m planning to tell. Raven has found her place in Bellamy and Clarke’s lives and they’re more than happy to have her. As always your feedback would be greatly appreciated. If you have a moment to leave a review or comment or send me a message on Tumblr (shesamarshmallow) it would really put a smile on my face.

Clarke runs her hand down the small of Raven’s back. Her skin is damp from her quick post-work shower. Clarke loves the smell of the lilac scented lotion she always puts on after a shower. It has been exactly 1 year, 4 months and 17 days since their first meeting in the drug store according to the note in her phone and these moments are always her favourite. It’s mid afternoon and the apartment is quiet except for the occasional hum of the dishwasher or the washing machine. Clarke has the day off. Raven decided to take the afternoon off and join her because things were slow at the shop and Jasper could handle it on his own. Bellamy is stuck at work but he’ll be home soon enough, one of the best things about being a teacher is finishing work by 3PM. Clarke and Raven both know that’s a technicality since he often spends hours after work grading papers but at least he’s with them.

 

Raven presses a kiss to Clarke’s temple, her wet hair flicking Clarke’s exposed ear. She misses this when she’s under a car getting covered in grease at her garage. Clean sheets, clean skin and Clarke; this scenario would only be better if Bellamy was laying on her other side. Clarke’s hand is still resting on her back when she moves closer to her. She hasn’t taken her eyes off the book in front of her though despite the fact that Raven still hasn’t gotten dressed. She can feel Raven’s eyes on her but she only has 6 more chapters and she should actually finish one of the books for her book club for once. The self-appointed leader of the club Anya is always berating her about not having talking points at their meetings. She doesn’t actually care about the book club but it is a group of women from work and she actually likes the rest of them.

 

Raven gets excited when Clarke pulls her eyes away from her current page and looks her way. She frowns when Clarke just gives her a peck on the lips and looks back at her book. She slides off the bed and gives Clarke a pat on the butt before picking up a red t-shirt and a pair of jeans. She can’t tell if the jeans are hers or Clarke’s at first glance, but it doesn’t really matter. The shirt is Bellamy’s and the three of them have long since adopted a ‘what’s mine is yours’ philosophy. When they bother to put them away their clothes all end up in the same closet mixed together using whatever hangers are available. Raven just picks out whatever she feels like wearing in the morning and it doesn’t bother Clarke, she can’t deny that Raven looks hot in her clothes.

* * *

 “What time are Octavia and Lincoln dropping off Kya tonight?” Raven asks as she brushes her hair in the mirror.

 

Bellamy’s 10-month-old niece is a frequent visitor to their apartment. Whenever Octavia and Lincoln need a babysitter Bellamy, Clarke and Raven are their go to. Uncle Bellamy is always more than happy to oblige and Clarke and Raven love having a baby around the house.

 

“Sometime between 5 and 6 I think, their dinner starts at 6:30.”

 

“Cool, I’ll make us all something to eat when Bell gets home before she gets here.”

 

Clarke closes her book and Raven gives her a look that says really, after I put my clothes on. Raven climbs back onto the bed and wraps her arms around Clarke, pressing a kiss to her cheek. She smiles as Clarke brushes the hair out of her eyes and kisses her forehead. This might be the only thing better than sex, not that Raven will ever admit it out loud. She could spend all afternoon cuddling. Clarke flicks on the TV and sits back against the headboard, one of Raven’s arms still around her shoulders. She channel surfs for a while and her indecisiveness when it comes to TV is one of the only things that annoys Raven about Clarke. She’s okay with her girlfriend’s worst quality being her inability to decide which trashy TV show to watch in the middle of the afternoon.

 

Raven just takes the remote from her and settles on a talk show. Clarke doesn’t even put up a fight. Watching TV is the bonus activity, she’s really here for Raven’s arm around her shoulders, and their feet tangled up together. They are laughing at a couple who are attempting to win a trip by answering questions about each other when Bellamy walks into the room. Every answer the guy gives is wrong and his girlfriend is none too pleased. Bellamy takes a seat on the edge of the bed and pulls off his socks first before removing the blue dress shirt and black slacks he put on that morning. He smiles when he sees that Raven is wearing the t-shirt he was going to put on and grabs another from the closet. He kisses Clarke on the head and then Raven before leaving the room.

* * *

 

They both know he’s off to the living room to grade tests without him having to say so. His weeknight routine is always the same, he changes, he starts any grading he has to do, he eats and then he’s free to hang out with them if the grading is finished. Raven and Clarke join him in the living room when the show finishes. That couple didn’t win the trip and Raven would be surprised if they were still together in a week. Clarke elbowed her gently when she said it, but she didn’t necessarily disagree. They certainly weren’t in sync.

 

Clarke takes a seat on the couch next to Bellamy who is intently focused on grading a test with long form answers. Raven always tells him he should just make them multiple choice, he always tells her history isn’t black and white enough for multiple-choice questions. Memorizing dates doesn’t mean you understand history is a phrase both she and Clarke have heard more than once. Raven supposes he’s right but the mountains of paper seem daunting; that’s why she’s a mechanic and not a teacher. Bellamy is the only one with the patience for it.

 

Raven heads to the kitchen only to come back a few moments later, a beer in her hand.

 

Bellamy smiles at her as she hands it to him, “thanks babe. I love you.”

 

“You would love anyone who brought you beer,” Raven teases, accepting the kiss he offers anyway.

 

“Not true Raven, you’ve seen Bill from the bar, he is decidedly not Bell’s type.”

 

Raven laughs, Bill is a tall, redheaded Irish man who owns Bellamy’s favourite bar. Clarke is right, not at all Bellamy’s type. He always says that if he was ever going to be with a man he’d go for someone ruggedly handsome like Lincoln.

 

They are just finishing eating the turkey sandwiches Raven made when the doorbell rings.

 

Clarke runs to answer it, making a kissy face at little Kya as she takes her from her mother’s arms.

 

“She’s getting so big,” Raven exclaims when Clarke, Octavia and Lincoln join them in the kitchen.  

 

“I can’t believe she’s going to be a year old in less than 2 months,” Octavia laments, “my little girl is growing up too fast.”

 

Lincoln squeezes her shoulders and presses a kiss to his wife’s cheek.

 

“She’ll always be our little girl Octavia.”

 

Raven nods, “even when she’s 16 and you have to put up an electric fence to keep the guys and girls away.”

 

Bellamy snorts, Raven can see the humour in any situation and he has always loved that about her.

 

After ten or twenty goodbye kisses Octavia and Lincoln finally head to their dinner. She does the same thing every time she leaves Kya with them so they’re used to it. Clarke practically had to push them out the door the first time but at least they’ve gotten better since then.

* * *

Clarke and Raven are lying on the floor at opposite ends of the room as Kya crawls back and forth between them. Bellamy is back on the couch, still grading his tests. He looks up occasionally when Clarke and Raven make it clear he is missing something cute. He laughs when Kya falls on her butt and starts giggling uncontrollably. Raven takes it as an invitation to scoop her up and starts tickling her. Bellamy can’t stay on the couch any longer and read about the battle of Stalingrad when Clarke joins in on the fun.

 

He crawls towards the giggling trio and wraps his arms around Raven from behind, kissing her neck. He tickles Kya’s chin gently as Clarke holds her and sticks out his tongue, which only makes both the baby and Clarke laugh harder. He promised his class they would get their papers back tomorrow but he can’t tear himself away from this. When they’re all tickled out they fall back onto the floor and Bellamy lays down in-between Clarke and Raven. Kya lays down on Clarke’s chest and Bellamy watches as her eyes drift closed. She look so peaceful, a handful of Clarke’s blonde hair in her little fist as she sleeps.

 

“I can’t wait for that to be our kid,” Raven whispers in his ear.

 

“Mmhmm,” he agrees, rolling over to face her.

 

Bellamy puts his hands on her face, urging her closer as he presses a kiss to her lips. She’ll make a great mother, they both will, he knows that much from seeing them with Kya. They haven’t talked a lot about the future, very much preferring to live in the moment most of the time. They’re happy with how things are now, just the three of them. Kya presence always brings out this side of the Raven though, the side of his girlfriend that wants to talk about where their relationship is headed. Down the aisle, that much has always been true. That didn’t change when it went from Bellamy and Clarke to Bellamy, Clarke and Raven. He just doesn’t know when, not yet. One smile from Kya though and he’s not as sure.

 

When he rolls back toward Clarke he can see that her eyes are closed. She had the day off but by the looks of their place she cleaned every room, did all of their laundry and washed every dish in sight. He presses a kiss to her cheek and one to Kya’s forehead before getting up; he still has tests to grade. Raven sighs and he gives her his best I’m sorry but I have responsibilities look. She knows but now she’s cold without his body pressed against hers.

 

Raven moves her body so she’s next to Clarke. She lays on her stomach and rests her arm on Clarke’s stomach, just under Kya’s tiny feet.

 

“I love you Clarke,” she whispers in the other woman’s ear.

 

Clarke’s eyes flutter open and she smiles at Raven. She’ll never forget the first time Raven said those three words. It was just over 4 months after their first official date and they had just had their first fight while on vacation.

* * *

 

_Clarke slammed the door, running outside to get away from the yelling. Bellamy normally ran after her when she got upset but it was Raven who followed her this time. The rain was pouring down on them, soaking them to the bone in a matter of seconds. Raven heard the thunder roll and watched as lightening cracked across the sky._

_“Clarke, come back inside.”_

_“No, I’m tired of having the same conversation over and over. I don’t want to tell people about us, not yet.”_

_“I’m sorry,” Raven shouted, moving closer to Clarke. “I’m just really happy.”_

_She wrapped her arms around Clarke’s waist as she reached her._

_“I’m happy too, but I’ve always been a really private person. I don’t want to hear anyone’s opinion on this. It’s not theirs to have an opinion on.”_

_She reached her hand up to brush Clarke’s now very wet hair out of her eyes. She understood, even if she didn’t feel the same way._

_“I love you Clarke.”_

_A grin spread across Clarke’s face, replacing any hurt and anger written there earlier._

_It happened so quick she caught Raven off guard, kissing her on the lips. Raven eased into the kiss, bringing her hands up to meet Clarke’s cheeks._

_When they pulled apart Clarke was out of breath. The smile still glued to her lips._

_“I love you too Raven.”_

_Raven took Clarke’s hand in her own and walked back toward the house. Despite their soaking wet state Bellamy wrapped them both in a hug as they came through the door. He was inclined to agree with Clarke on the matter at hand, but it didn’t matter. The moment had passed and his girlfriends had clearly moved on to more important matters._

_As Bellamy lead them upstairs to get some towels Raven stopped him on the stairs._

_“Bellamy,” she started._

_“Yeah?”_

_“I love you.”_

_He had waited a really long time to hear her say that, more than just the 4 months since they were reunited at the drug store. He had waited years for those 3 words._

_“I love you too babe.”_

_Clarke smiled up at the two of them from the bottom of the staircase._

* * *

Raven takes Kya from Clarke’s chest, careful not to wake her. Clarke sits up, watching as Kya rests her head on Raven’s shoulder. She can’t wait for that to be their kid either. Maybe they’ll have one sooner rather than later. Having a kid hasn’t been at the top of her to-do list, but there’s nothing stopping her now. They all have stable jobs, a roof over their heads and more than enough love to share with a little one. The more the thought lingers her in mind the more she thinks about bringing it up.

 

Clarke and Raven both join Bellamy on the couch, sitting next to one another as he continues to grade in the corner. He has Clarke read a few of the essays, his eyes are starting to burn and some of the answers are kind of hilarious. It becomes clear to Clarke that whoever Jacob F is he doesn’t realized that Stalingrad is in Russia despite the name.

 

When Bellamy finishes the last drops of his beer Clarke gets him another one. Three on a weeknight is his absolute limit, no matter how bad his students’ answers get. As Bellamy works through the stack of tests, Clarke runs to get her book. If she can finishes the last few chapters she won’t have to listen to Anya complain. The book is actually pretty decent this time; she just usually has better things to do. It took everything in her earlier in the day to read instead of do anything else with Raven.

 

Raven’s busied herself with tangling her free hand up in Clarke’s hair as Kya continued to sleep on her shoulder. Clarke would look over at her periodically, whenever she could tell that Raven was making a face at her. She’s like a teenager sometimes but Clarke loves her all the same.

 

Two hours later, right on time Octavia and Lincoln arrive back at their apartment to pick up Kya. Octavia can’t stand to be away from her any longer than necessary. Small talk with Lincoln’s co-workers wouldn’t keep Octavia away from her girl. She has changed so much since the first time Clarke met Bellamy’s little sister, but definitely for the better.

 

“How’s my little munchkin?” Octavia coos at the little girl who smiles and puts her arms out for her mother.

 

She loves spending time with Clarke, Raven and Bellamy but she definitely knows her mama.

 

“She was good tonight, she even helped Bellamy grade his tests,” Raven joked.

 

She had drooled on one particularly terrible response, Bellamy resolved just to give the kid a C and hope he didn’t have to explain the wrinkly paper.

 

Lincoln laughed, “it wouldn’t be bad if she grew up to be a little like her Uncle Bellamy.”

 

Octavia smiled at her husband’s words. Lincoln and her brother didn’t exactly start off on a friendly foot, but they had both come around. If her daughter grew up to be half as good as either of them she’d be more than happy.

 

“Thanks again guys, are you still coming over next weekend for the barbeque?”

Octavia asked, her annual 4th of July barbeque being one of her favourite events of the year.

 

Clarke nodded, “yeah we’ll be there, see you then.”

 

She closed the door and turned back to Bellamy and Raven. She watched as Bellamy took Raven’s hand and followed them to the bedroom.

* * *

 

The bathroom just off their bedroom was small but somehow they all still managed to brush their teeth in there at the same time. It was their nightly routine; neither of them liked going to bed without the other two. A night where Bellamy didn’t have to stay up too late to grade was a good night.

 

Bellamy slipped into bed, scooting over to the far right, his typical side of the bed. He watched as Clarke and Raven undressed; Clarke throwing on an old t-shirt of his and Raven slipping into bed in just her underwear. It was their usual way. Clarke climbed in and cuddled into his side. Raven slept on the left, which used to be Clarke’s side. She was more than happy to move over and make room for Raven when she moved in, just 23 days after their first date. She always slept on her stomach, her limbs tangling up with Clarke’s. She rolled onto her side and put an arm over Clarke’s stomach, her arm around Bellamy.

 

It was quiet in the room for a while and Clarke thought they were both falling asleep until Bellamy spoke up.

 

“I feel like we’re all on the same page but we haven’t talked about it yet.”

 

Raven lifted her head to stare over at him. She didn’t have to ask him to explain.

 

“Clarke wants a kid, you want a kid and I want a kid. Seems logical that our next step is to have a kid, right?”

 

Raven chuckled; of course Bellamy would be the one to look at the situation logically. Of course they should have a kid, to him it’s that simple.

 

“I’m in if both of you are,” Clarke says, causing a smile to spread across Bellamy’s lips.

 

Raven nods, “I’m in.”

 

“I guess we’re having a kid then,” Bellamy says, smiling from ear to ear.

 

Bellamy presses a kiss to Clarke’s lips before leaning over to give Raven one. It’s a celebratory kiss and a goodnight kiss all rolled up into one. Raven smiles into his lips, she’s never been happier than in this moment. She knows she has more happy moments like this in her future, and she’s looking forward to them. Nothing feels better than seeing Bellamy and Clarke smile the way they are right now. Overjoyed is a bit of an understatement. Bellamy lays back down, his curls falling into his eyes as his head hits the pillow. Raven watches as he wraps his arm around Clarke and she does the same to her, pressing one more kiss to her cheek before she closes her eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank everyone who took the time to leave feedback; I really and truly appreciate it. Thank you for reading and thank you for caring about this story. I don’t really feel like I can preface this chapter with anything else without spoiling it, so I’m just going to put it out there. As mentioned your feedback means a lot so if you have a moment to do so please leave a comment or review or send me a message on Tumblr (shesamarshmallow), it would really make my day.

Raven can’t stop smiling at him and it’s not like he wants her too. Bellamy loves that smile, he always has. He’ll never forget the first time he saw her smile at him. They were in class and he made a joke their teacher didn’t appreciate very much. Raven liked it though, she turned around to give him a smirk and he wished he could see her smile at him like that forever. He’d missed that more than anything in the years they’d spent apart but here she was sitting across from him at the breakfast table smiling at him.

 

She told him already, that’s why she’s smiling. She meant to wait for Clarke but she had worked late last night and wasn’t up yet. She didn’t want to wake her but she also didn’t want to wait to tell him that he’s going to be a father. She could tell as soon as the words left her lips that he wanted to yell with joy but thought better of it. Clarke needs her sleep, they both know she works long hours and has another shift tonight. He gets up from his chair and runs over to Raven pressing kiss after kiss to her cheek. He’s ecstatic; she expected nothing less.

 

They decided almost two months ago that they wanted to have a kid. Then they had a decision to make about who should carry their baby. Raven as it turns out was Clarke’s first choice. She explained the apparently “no brainer” decision to Raven and Bellamy one evening over dinner. Raven owns her own shop; she can do what she wants. With her job she gets no paid maternity leave, she said it just didn’t make sense for her right now. She would love to carry a child one day but right now it would be her honor for Raven to carry their first child. Bellamy and Raven had no arguments, Clarke’s reason was logical and really it didn’t matter to either of them. The baby was going to be theirs no matter who the biological parents were.

 

“She’s going to be over the moon you know,” Bellamy says, the smile still plastered on his face.

 

“I hope so, I almost want to wake her up right now to tell her.”

 

She doesn’t wake her though. They wait another two hours for Clarke to wake up on her own. Bellamy passes the time by throwing out baby names to see which ones Raven will go for. He’s really getting ahead of himself considering she’s only 4 weeks along but he can’t help himself, he’s excited. He resists the urge to call Octavia and tell her the good news right away. Clarke should definitely know before his sister does, no matter how excited she will be for Kya to have a playmate. He types up a text message and erases it a few times. He kind of wants to tell Octavia in person anyway. He thinks about stopping by her place later, the good thing about Octavia is that he’s never needed an excuse to go visit her. Stopping by unannounced is hardly out of the ordinary for the Blake siblings.

* * *

 

When Clarke finally makes her way into the living room Raven and Bellamy are tangled up on the couch, cuddling. She snaps a picture on her phone; they look too adorable for her to pass up the opportunity. That will make an excellent background picture for her phone she thinks, grinning at them. Raven’s wide smile doesn’t go unnoticed by Clarke as she makes her way toward the couch to join them. She’s grinning from ear to ear and while it’s not abnormal to see Raven smile at her, it’s certainly suspicious. It’s the middle of the day on a Sunday she can’t think of any reason for Raven to look at her like that, besides the obvious fact that she loves her more than anything.

 

“Hey love,” Clarke greets her, giving her a peck on the lips as she squeezes in between them on the couch.

 

Bellamy throws his arm over Clarke’s shoulder and kisses her cheek. He’s also smiling at her like she hung the moon and she’s ready to know what’s up.

 

“Do you want to tell her or can I?” Bellamy asks, looking in Raven’s direction.

 

“Go ahead,” Raven lets him have this moment. She got to tell him and the look on his face was priceless.

 

Clarke’s back is toward her now as she stares intently at Bellamy, waiting for him to share whatever it is he’s got pent up. Raven knows she’ll turn around though as soon as he says it.

 

“Raven’s pregnant.”

 

He doesn’t say anything else; he doesn’t have to.

 

Sure enough she immediately whirls around to face Raven. Clarke throws her arms around her neck and kisses her softly on the lips. The smile on her face is as bright as the morning sun; Bellamy can remember few other times he’s seen her this happy. Their relationship has been filled with joy but this has Clarke beyond exuberant. She turns back to Bellamy and gives him a celebratory kiss on the lips as well. He’s going to be a dad and she’s going to be a mom and Raven’s going to be a mom too and this might be the best day of her life. She had imagined having her first child with Bellamy differently than this, but this is definitely better.

 

After a few more kisses Clarke pulls out her phone and starts tapping on the keypad.

 

“Hold up,” Bellamy stops her before she finishes dialing the number she has typed into her phone, “Should we tell people yet?”

 

Clarke smiles at him; “I’m actually just calling work to see if someone can cover my shift tonight. This is news worth celebrating.”

 

Bellamy and Raven both have the night off and Clarke so doesn’t want to go to work. She’s too excited; she just wants to spend the whole night celebrating with her two loves. This is the beginning of a new chapter in their lives and you only find out you’re going to be a mom for the first time once.

 

She’s practically jumping for joy when she hangs up the phone and Bellamy knows she must have found someone to cover her shift. Clarke sits back down between Raven and Bellamy and puts her hand on Raven’s abdomen. She knows she’s not that far along but that’s her kid in there and she’s too excited to care that there’s nothing to feel just yet.

 

“Can I just tell my mom?” Clarke asks after a few minutes.

 

“Only if I can tell Octavia,” Bellamy agrees.

 

“Go for it,” Raven agrees, “I’m not the superstitious type.”

 

Clarke has mentioned the 12-week rule to both Bellamy and Raven multiple times, but she just has to tell her mother. As they both start dialing Clarke looks over at Raven and the realization that Raven has no one to tell hits her. They are Raven’s family; the two of them and this baby are all Raven has in the world. She doesn’t hit call. She takes Raven’s hand in hers and gives it a squeeze.

 

“You can tell Abby,” she says, smiling at the soon to be mother of her child.

 

Raven smiles back at her, a really and a question mark are caught in her throat. Clarke is sure she can see a few tears forming in the corners of Raven’s dark brown eyes. She loves Raven; she would give her anything in the world, even the opportunity to tell her mother about her first grandchild.

 

Clarke can feel butterflies in her stomach as the phone rings. Even if she’s not the one to tell her, she’s excited for her mother to know her joyous news.

 

“Hello?” Abby’s voice comes through the speaker; Clarke put the phone on speakerphone so they could all hear her reaction.

 

“Hey Mrs. Griffin, it’s Raven and Clarke’s here too,” Raven greets her excitedly.

 

“How are my favourite daughters?” Abby asks them.

 

“We are doing great and we have some news for you.”

 

“Good news I hope?”

 

“We’re pretty happy about it,” Clarke informs her mother.

 

“You’re going to be a grandmother Abby,” Raven blurts out before she can get another word in.

 

Bellamy comes running back into the living room when he hears Abby shriek through the phone.

 

Clarke is surprised they didn’t hear Octavia do the same until Bellamy mouths that she didn’t pick up.

 

Raven is smiling from ear to ear when Abby finally lets them hang up the phone. They couldn’t hang up until they told Kane and made plans to have lunch sometime this week. Abby promised to bring them all of Clarke’s old baby clothes. She was excited, that much was obvious.

 

“Thank you,” Raven whispers in Clarke’s ear, placing a kiss just below it.

 

“I have never loved either of you more than in this moment,” Bellamy announces.

 

“Just wait and see how much you love her after she spends hours in labor,” Clarke jokes.

 

Clarke has seen many fathers in the delivery room. She knows Bellamy is up to the challenge though. Raven is strong but luckily for him not strong enough to break his arm, he’ll be okay.

* * *

 

Bellamy finally got a hold of Octavia the next day when she called him back after hearing his excited voicemail. She of course was overjoyed; Clarke and Raven got to hear that shriek into the phone after all. Clarke is pretty sure she will never stop referring to herself as Aunt Octavia from here on out.

 

Clarke laughs when she refers to herself as Auntie O when she greets them the next Saturday at her house. Octavia tells the three of them to savor every moment and that time flies, she can’t believe it’s already Kya’s first birthday.

 

Clarke follows Raven and Bellamy into the backyard. There are a few adults already sitting around the yard in lawn chairs chatting. There are kids running around the yard too, she sees a couple that are around Kya’s age and some older kids as well.

 

Lincoln works as a youth counselor at the local community center and she recognizes a few of the guests as co-workers that he introduced them to at their wedding.

 

“This is my brother Bellamy,” Octavia says to a group of older ladies who Clarke assumes are her co-workers.

 

Bellamy sticks out his hand and smiles at the women.

 

Clarke winks a thank-you at Octavia when she fails to introduce her and Raven to the other party guests. Clarke loves Bellamy and Raven but explaining their relationship to strangers is her personal hell.

 

She sits down on the grass in the corner of the yard and reaches out her arm to pull Raven down next to her. Raven entwines their fingers and gives Clarke a kiss on the cheek. The day is overcast but it’s warm enough to enjoy being outside. They both smile when Kya comes crawling over to them, followed by Octavia. Clarke stretches her arms out and scoops her niece up in her arms. She smiles over at Raven. In just about 8 months it will be her own son or daughter in her arms; she hasn’t stopped thinking about that for a week. She’s felt so many feelings since she found out the news but mostly a mixture of nervousness and excitement.

 

“You are both going to be awesome moms,” Octavia speaks up as she watches Clarke make faces at Kya.

 

Ever the over confident one Raven replies with, “I know” and smirks at her.

 

Clarke snorts, “I love you.”

 

“I love you more babe.”

 

They laugh as Octavia feigns disgust at their show of affection. She’s a bit of a romantic herself but Raven definitely out does her in that department. The women sit for a few more minutes gabbing about baby this and baby that when Bellamy joins them. He sits on the grass a foot or two away from Raven. Clarke knows he’s keeping his distance for her. If they were alone he would have given them both a big, wet, sloppy kiss by now. She loves him more for every time he doesn’t kiss them in public when she knows how much he wants to. He loves her too much to do anything with the potential to hurt her.

 

They all watch as Kya crawls over to her Uncle Bellamy. He easily lifts her over his head and tosses her in the air. They’re both giggling as he catches her in his arms. Clarke knows her child is going to feel that same joy someday soon.

 

The afternoon is spent watching Kya stuff cake in her face and open presents. She has more fun ripping off the wrapping paper and playing with the boxes than with the actual toys she’s given. Raven laughs at how similar babies are to animals in that respect, her cat growing up always loved cardboard boxes. It only takes a few hours and Kya starts to get fussy and needs to go down for a nap. Clarke, Raven and Bellamy all give the birthday girl a kiss goodnight before Lincoln whisks her away.

 

As the sky darkens and the party winds down Clarke, Bellamy and Raven make their way back to Octavia and Lincoln’s front porch. The clouds that threatened them all afternoon have finally given way to the storm brewing inside them. Rain pelts the ground and Bellamy frowns, neither of them likes driving in the rain. Bellamy throws his jacket over Raven’s shoulders, neither her nor Clarke thought to bring one today and Clarke insists that Raven stay dry and warm.

* * *

 

Clarke and Raven both nominate Bellamy to drive. Clarke gives up the passenger side to Raven and tosses her the blanket they normally keep in the backseat.

 

“Clarke you’re soaking wet babe, take the blanket,” Raven argues.

 

“My kid needs to be warm more than I do,” she insists.

 

Bellamy smirks; he knows this won’t be the last time he hears Clarke give up something so that Raven and their baby can have it. Raven doesn’t even put up a fight; she knows she won’t win, not when it comes down to Clarke protecting their kid. She just pulls the blanket up over her chest and blows Clarke a kiss.

 

The windshield wipers are working overtime and Bellamy is surprised he can see anything. It seems to have gotten darker since they left and they are still more than ten minutes away from their apartment.

 

The last thing Bellamy sees is blinding headlights out of the corner of his eye. He hears the terrifying sound of metal crashing into metal and screaming before he blacks out.

 

Clarke hears the ambulance and people yelling as she drifts in and out of consciousness. She can’t move or see anything. The last thing she remembers is a flash of light. She just lays there waiting for something to happen, for someone to tell her that she’s okay, that they’re all okay.

 

Raven sees the same flash of light; it was hard not to turn her head as it barreled toward them. The sounds she hears as they get hit are the worst things she’s ever heard in her life and then everything is black and silent.

* * *

 

Well Bellamy comes to he can still taste blood on his lips. If he looks anything like he feels he’s sure he must be unrecognizable. He’s alive though, at least he thinks he’s alive. He looks around the room; it’s stark and white, very bright. The light coming through the curtains is practically blinding him. It must be morning is the only thing he can think at first; until he remembers Clarke and Raven and begins to shout loudly for help.

 

A nurse responds to Bellamy’s cries for help almost immediately. She checks his head and he winces. Everything hurts.

 

“Where are…uh…the girls that were in the car with me?” he asks her.

 

“I’m sorry sir, I don’t know. I can ask the doctor for you. You were lucky though.”

 

That doesn’t make him feel any better. He just needs to know that Clarke and Raven are okay, why the hell doesn’t this lady know?

 

It seems like an eternity before the nurse returns with an older gentlemen who Bellamy presumes is his Doctor. He better have information or Bellamy is going to lose it on him.

 

“Mr. Blake,” he starts and Bellamy assumes the paramedics must have found his wallet. “I’m very sorry.”

 

Tears start streaming down his face before he even knows what the Doctor has to say. He prays he’s come to tell him that he’ll never walk again or that they’ll have to amputate his arm or something. Anything but what he knows he’s really sorry about.  

 

“Just tell me,” he screams at the man in the white coat when he doesn’t continue immediately.

 

“One of the women in the car with you didn’t make it. She was killed on impact. I’m sorry for your loss Mr. Blake.”

 

He lets out a pained scream and the nurse gasps. She watches as he tears at his hair roughly. He’s stuck in this bed and all he wants to do is run and scream and cry.

 

The Doctor is still staring at him. “Sir, we weren’t able to identify the body. They didn’t find any readable ID at the scene.”

 

The way he says the body makes him cringe. He’s talking about one of the loves of his life and it’s so cold. She was a person, not a body.

 

It hurts to exhale but Bellamy tries. He needs to do anything to stop himself from exploding on the man and woman that stand before him.

 

“Tell me what she looks like,” he manages to choke out, his voice cracks and the tears are still spilling from his eyes.

 

He only has to say “long brown hair” and Bellamy knows. He swallows the scream in his throat hard, he can’t have a meltdown; not here, not in front of the Doctor. He just wants them to go away but they’re waiting for him to say something.

 

“Raven Reyes,” he says solemnly, “her name is Raven Reyes.”

 

The Doctor nods, not wanting to say anything to make the situation any worse. He still has something to say though; Bellamy can feel it. He stares at the broken down young man in front of him.

 

“She was pregnant,” he blurts out, not wanting to prolong the inevitable any longer.

 

“I know,” he sniffs out.

 

“I’m very sorry,” the doctor says again, as if his pity will do anything to help Bellamy in this situation.

 

“Just leave,” he cries. He doesn’t want to look at them anymore.

 

The doctor and the nurse do as they’re asked. He obviously doesn’t have any injuries they need to attend to immediately. Bellamy’s head falls into his hands. The tears fall from his eyes, burning his skin as they pour into the cuts on his face. No one comes in to check on him for hours, the doctor must have warned everyone to leave him alone with his grief. He wonders about Clarke but doesn’t want to invite anyone back into his room. He can’t stand to see the pity on their faces. He doesn’t think he could form his thoughts into words even if he wanted to at this point. He lays down and wills his body to drift into sleep, anything that might help him forget the last few hours. He suspects though that he will be haunted by nightmares anyway, and he’s right.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There were a lot of strong reactions to the last chapter and I just want to take everyone who took the time to leave their feedback. I knew when I came up with the idea for this story that it wasn’t going to be for everyone so thank you to those of you who are along for the ride. This next chapter deals with the aftermath of Raven’s death and what that means for Clarke and Bellamy. As always if you have a moment to leave a review or comment or send me a message on Tumblr (shesamarshmallow) it would really put a smile on my face.

Clarke exhales sharply as she opens her eyes. She clutches her chest; it feels like it’s on fire. Her head is pounding and the bright lights in the room aren’t helping. She’s not quite sure where she is; the last thing she remembers is darkness and a loud bang. As she looks around she realizes she’s in a hospital room. There’s an IV in her arm and she is suddenly very aware of the sounds all of the machines around her are making.

 

“Nurse,” Clarke screams out, she’s used to hearing the same from her patients.

 

It only takes a minute and a tall woman with short brown hair walks into the room. Clarke doesn’t recognize her but she’s not even sure yet if this is her hospital. The nurse gives her a small smile; Clarke is in too much pain to return it genuinely. She checks the monitors and her IV line before she speaks.

 

“Hi Clarke,” the nurse greets her and Clarke realizes she must have gotten her name from the ID she had in her purse.

 

“Where are the man and the woman who were in the car with me?” she blurts out, not even bothering to acknowledge the nurse’s pleasantries.

 

Clarke watches as the nurse hesitates, she can see her carefully considering her response.

 

“They’re my boyfriend and girlfriend,” she states confidently, as if this fact will make the nurse more inclined to share their fates.

 

“Ms. Griffin,” she starts before pausing again.

 

“Please,” Clarke begs her, “just tell me.”

 

There’s desperation in her eyes and Clarke can see a flash of pity in the nurse’s eyes before she finally answers.

 

“They brought the gentleman here after the accident too, his injuries were minor. The other woman in the car was pronounced dead on the scene. I’m very sorry for your loss.”

 

The nurse takes her hand as tears start rolling down her cheeks. She puts an arm around her back as she begins to sob. It hurts her to cry like this. She hasn’t heard yet the extent of her injuries but she knows some of her ribs must be broken. Clarke wishes she were more grateful to be alive but after hearing that Raven is gone she almost wishes she wasn’t.

 

After a few more minutes the nurse leaves, Clarke doesn’t have to ask her to go, she just knows. Clarke looks around the room for any sign of her belongings. She knows her ID made it out of the crash unscathed enough to read and she is hoping her phone was as lucky. There is nothing but stark while walls in this room and a pile of clothes in the corner. They must have taken them off her when she arrived. She moves to get up but stops when the pain renders her immobile. She hits the call button and just waits for the nurse to return. She begins to understand why so many of her patients feel so helpless.

* * *

 

She isn’t really in the mood to talk but she has so many questions. The nurse waits for her to speak up, not wanting to presume what she needs. Clarke watches as the nurse takes a seat next to her bed and just watches her. Her eyes are still wet with tears as she stares down the other woman. Clarke wipes her eyes with her blanket but her efforts are wasted as the tears continue to flow. She’s been here before, in the nurse’s position. She’s sat with a patient after they learned that their loved one didn’t make it. She never knows what to say either, and much like her nurse now, she knows it’s not her place.

 

Clarke doesn’t know where to start.

 

“How long has it been?” she asks, genuinely unsure about the passage of time.

 

“Just two days,” the nurse informs her, Clarke isn’t sure if this is a relief or if that makes her feel worse.

 

She wishes she could go back. She would drive or switch places with Raven, she would tell Bellamy that they should stay over at Octavia’s instead of driving in the storm. She would do anything to go back in time, anything to not be sitting here. She would give anything to have Raven here with her. It hits her in this moment that she will never see her again, never kiss her again, never hold her again and never see her smile again. She doesn’t ask about her again, if she was dead on the scene she probably doesn’t know much more anyway. What’s there to know anyway; Raven is gone.

 

“You said they brought Bellamy here and that he had minor injuries. Where is he? I need to see him.”

 

The nurse looks confused, as if she’s missing a piece of the puzzle. The way she screws up her face at the question isn’t lost on Clarke.

 

“What?” she asks, almost angrily now. It was a simple question.

 

“He was discharged yesterday.”

 

Clarke looks at her in disbelief. Bellamy wouldn’t do this, wouldn’t leave her alone in the hospital. Bellamy would make sure that she’s okay, he would be by her side until she gets well enough to be discharged herself. The Bellamy that Clarke knows would have been the one to tell her about Raven. He wouldn’t let some nurse give her the worst news of her life.

 

She sighs deeply; the pain in her chest is almost too much to bear.

 

“When can I go home?”

 

“Your doctor has confirmed that you haven’t sustained any major damage to your organs so hopefully later this week. You have a few cracked ribs and as you can tell your left arm is broken. You’ll need to take time off work to heal but you can recover at home.”

 

Clarke almost wants to laugh, as if her physical injuries are the only reason she would need to take time off work. The answer doesn’t make her feel any better. Their home will offer too many painful reminders. Home for her is wherever Bellamy and Raven are and without her there it won’t feel like anything more than 4 walls and some furniture.

* * *

 

_Clarke had been watching for ten minutes as Raven pulled the items out of her grocery bags. Raven insisted on making their first dinner together after she officially moved in. She also insisted that she do everything herself and that Clarke and Bellamy just sit back and relax. Bellamy had taken that to mean burying his nose in some new history book he got at the store, Clarke preferred to watch Raven work._

_“Why are you doing this again?” she teased her girlfriend, sticking out her tongue at Raven from her spot at the kitchen table._

_“I told you, we are a family now and we are acting like it,” Raven insisted, taking a short break from sorting out the groceries to give Clarke a peck on the lips._

_A grin spread across Clarke’s lips, “hey Bell, we’re a family now. You have to come spend time with us,” she shouted out into the living room._

_It look him less than 30 seconds and he had his arms around Raven from behind, pressing a kiss to the back of her jaw._

_“I don’t think a guy could ask for a better family than this.”_

_Clarke looked over at the two of them, a smile plastered on her face._

_“Definitely not,” she agreed._

_Bellamy took a seat next to Clarke at the table and let Raven get back to work. He placed his hand on Clarke’s thigh as they watched Raven aggressively chop the vegetables for whatever she was making them._

 

_He leaned in closer to Clarke, moving his hand to her shoulder._

_“I love her so much,” he whispered in her ear._

_Clarke mouthed her response, “Me too babe.”_

* * *

 

She learns from the nurse that her phone is no longer in working condition after the crash. She then helps her to dial a number on the landline in her room. Clarke knows when Bellamy’s line goes straight to voicemail that his phone is likely broken too. She has the nurse dial the landline at their apartment and listens as it rings and rings; there’s no answer on the other end. After Octavia fails to pick up the phone too, Clarke gives up. She lays her head down on her pillow and cries herself to sleep. She has never felt so alone.

 

As promised a few days later her doctor has prepared her discharge papers. He won’t let her go home without someone coming to pick her up though. She reluctantly agrees to let the nurse call her mother. Abby doesn’t know yet about her accident, it’s not out of the ordinary for Clarke not to call her for a week or two at a time.

 

Clarke can hear the relief in Abby’s voice as she greets her, “Clarke” she almost yells as she runs toward. The nurse had obviously mentioned the accident on the phone.  

 

She doesn’t answer. It needs to be enough that Abby can see that she’s still breathing. She isn’t in the mood to talk.

 

The car ride back to her apartment is silent. Clarke speaks up only once to insist that she take her there instead of back to her place.

 

She doesn’t know why she expects Bellamy to be there. If he didn’t come and see her in the hospital he probably isn’t waiting for her at home. Sure enough the place is empty when they arrive. She can tell he didn’t come here at all after he left the hospital. Their place is just as it was left over a week ago when they left for Octavia and Lincoln’s place. The dirty dishes from breakfast that morning are still in the sink. Raven made pancakes in the shape of flowers and Bellamy had fried the bacon while Clarke got their coffee ready. They talked about baby names. Clarke feels an ache in her chest that has nothing to do with her broken ribs when she thinks back to that morning.

 

“Where’s Bellamy?” Abby asks.

 

“If I knew that do you think I would be here without him?” she hisses angrily.

 

She knows it’s not fair. She hasn’t told her mother anything. All the nurse said was that her daughter had been in a car accident and needed her. She’s too upset to care though. Clarke’s eyes beg her not to ask about Raven. She can’t say it out loud. Saying that Raven is dead will make it real.

 

Abby helps Clarke to the couch and sits down next to her, stroking her long blonde hair. They sit in silence for a while. Abby is too afraid to ask anymore questions and Clarke is too afraid of the answers to everything she hasn’t asked. She doesn’t know what happens next. She only knows that right now she’s alone and it’s more than she can handle.

 

Abby reacts quickly when Clarke begins to sob. She wraps her arms around her daughter and pulls her head close to her chest. The words I’m sorry die on her lips, she doesn’t think they’ll help anyway.

 

“I miss them,” Clarke speaks up after a few hours.

 

Abby wipes her daughter’s tears with her own sleeve and waits for her to continue.

 

Clarke shakes her head as tears continue to flow. She doesn’t want to say it.

 

“Raven didn’t make it.”

 

Abby gasps without meaning to, she’s just shocked.

 

“I’m never going to see her again. I don’t know to live my life without her in it and I don’t want to know.”

 

“I am so, so sorry Clarke,” Abby offers.

 

“I don’t know where Bellamy is and I don’t know whether to be pissed at him for leaving me or understand why he can’t be here. He loved her so much.”

 

Abby moves both of her hands to Clarke’s face and kisses her on the forehead.

 

“He’ll come back Clarke. I have never seen a man look at someone with more love in his eyes than when Bellamy looks at you.”

 

Clarke laughs, not because what her mother is saying is wrong but because it’s true and this situation is far too cruel.

* * *

 

_Bellamy was staring across the table at her with a stupid grin on his face. He was supposed to be studying for his final exams but instead he was mostly watching as she studied for hers. He winked at her as she looked up from her anatomy textbook at him._

_“Why are you looking at me like that?” she asked him._

_“I’m not.”_

_“You are and you know it Bell, come on. I assure you the answers to your Russian history final are not written on my face.”_

_Bellamy just laughed._

_She went back to flipping through her textbook; she was looking for a specific fact about the lungs that she knew would be on her final. She could feel his eyes still on her._

_“I love you Clarke.”_

_She looked up at him, smiling. It was the first time either of them had said those three words. That explained the staring._

_“I love you too Bellamy.”_

_He leaned across the table and pressed a soft kiss to her lips._

_“Now study.”_

_He laughed and turned his attention back to the Russian history textbook laid out in front of him. It was hard not to look at her. She looked beautiful even though she had been studying non-stop for days and barely had time to keep herself together._

_Bellamy reached his arm across the table, his fingers grazing hers. She took his hand in hers and smiled at him again before turning back to her own book._

* * *

 

Abby makes her some soup, it’s the only thing left in their kitchen that hasn’t gone bad in the week they’ve been gone. Clarke comes to the table at her insistence but only takes two bites. She doesn’t even feel hungry. The ache in her chest masks any hunger pains she may otherwise feel. She makes her way back to the couch wincing in pain. All she wants to do is fall asleep and never wake up but she can’t bear to go to her room, their room.

 

On her way back into the living room she sees one of Raven’s shirts laying on the arm of the couch. She picks it up and throws it across the room. It doesn’t help and she can still see it. She lays down on her back, covering her face with a pillow; she just wants to block everything out. Abby covers her over with a blanket and situates herself in the armchair next to the couch. Clarke wants to be alone but Abby can’t leave her in this state. They stay like this as the last light of the evening fades into the night.

 

As soon as Clarke closes her eyes she sees her. Raven is lying on the road, covered in blood. She’s screaming for Clarke to help her but Clarke can’t move. All she can do is watch the truck slam into their car and Raven bleed out over and over again. She doesn’t see Bellamy but she can hear him screaming. He screams out in anguish every time Raven takes her last breath.

 

Clarke screams and she can feel someone shaking her. When she opens her eyes Abby is standing over her, one hand on each of her arms.

 

“Clarke, Clarke, you’re okay,” she says, trying to snap Clarke out of her nightmare.

 

She sits up and falls back into her mother’s embrace. Clarke’s not sure that she is ever going to be okay again.

 

Clarke takes Abby’s phone from her pocket and walks to the kitchen. She starts dialing; Octavia’s number is one of four that she has memorized. It’s late but she hopes that she’ll finally pick up.

 

“Hello,” Octavia breathes into the phone quietly.

 

“It’s Clarke.”

 

“Clarke oh my god, I’m so glad to hear your voice. I haven’t been able to reach you, Bell or Raven for days.”

 

“You haven’t heard from Bellamy?” Clarke says shocked.

 

“No. Is he okay?” Octavia asks, Clarke can hear the worry in her voice.

 

She’s been through this before. She lost her mother. She knows this uncertainty and Clarke can hear the scared child in her.

 

“We were in a car accident,” Clarke starts, “he made it out okay but I haven’t seen him since.”

 

Octavia breathes a sigh of relief into the phone. “I’m sorry. I’ll tell you if he comes by.”

 

Clarke takes a deep breath; tears start to fall again before she can stop them.

 

Her voice cracks, “Raven didn’t make it.”

 

Octavia’s reaction is much the same as Abby’s, an involuntary gasp leaves her lips. There is silence on the line and Clarke knows that Octavia is struggling for words.

 

“I’m s…” Octavia starts but Clarke cuts her off.

 

“I know,” she says.

 

Sorry has already become a word without meaning for Clarke. Sorry won’t bring her back.

 

“I’ll come by tomorrow,” Octavia offers, “’or tonight even. Can I bring you anything?”

 

“Don’t,” it comes out harsher than Clarke means for it to but she can’t see Octavia.

 

She hangs up the phone and makes her way back into the living room. Abby has fallen asleep on the couch by the time Clarke returns. She takes the blanket and throws it over her. She sits in the armchair and stares out the window. She can’t see anything in the black of the night but nothing is better than the nightmare she just experienced. She can’t lose Raven again every time she closes her eyes.

* * *

 

Bellamy slams his glass down on the bar startling the bartender and the 3 other patrons. He gestures to the bartender who refills his glass. He chugs this one, the whiskey burning his throat as it goes down. He’s grateful that it seems to be this particular bartender’s first shift of the week. He couldn’t bear the look of pity in previous guy’s eyes anymore. It’s his fourth night in a row sitting on the same stool and he’s almost certain he would have been cut off tonight.

 

He slams the glass down again.

 

“You sure you need another one bud?”

 

“My girlfriend died,” Bellamy spits out.

 

The bartender refills his glass again without another word.

 

Bellamy curses out loud when tears start to flow from his eyes again. He finishes his drink and heads for the door. He’s not going to cry in a bar, even if there are only 3 other patrons, 2 of whom Bellamy is pretty sure are alcoholics.

 

He stumbles over to the payphone across the street from the bar. He’s surprised they even still have these things. He starts smashing the number keys. He hangs up before the last number is dialed. It’s the fifth time this week. He doesn’t want to call her. He knows he should go home and see her. He hopes she’s well enough to be at home now anyway. The doctor told him when he left that he could see her but Bellamy just walked in the opposite direction of her room and out the front doors of the hospital. He sits down on the curb. He doesn’t know where he’s going tonight; anywhere that doesn’t remind him of Raven will do.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I normally like to update at least once a week but I’ve been distracted so it’s been too long. Hopefully this update will have been worth the wait. Thank you to everyone who has left lovely reviews and comments. Every single one so far made me smile and has really motivated me to produce my best work. I knew when I started writing this story that it wasn’t going to appeal to everyone and that some people would probably hate it but I’m so glad that there are people who are enjoying it. If you feel so inclined after reading this chapter please do leave a review or comment or send me a message on Tumblr (shesamarshmallow) as it will really make my day.

Bellamy can taste the blood on his lips as he reaches his hand upward to rub his jaw. His eyes flutter open and he doesn’t have to look very far to see his attacker. He takes a hold of the hand being offered to him and allows himself to be pulled into an upright position. His jaw hurts but not as much as the pounding in his head, he’s had a headache he can’t shake for days.

 

“Was that really necessary?” Bellamy asks.

 

“Yeah, it was.”

 

Bellamy is not sure he’s ever seen Lincoln look so menacing. His sister’s husband is usually a pretty gentle soul.

 

“There’s more where that came from too if you don’t come home with me,” he adds.

 

“What makes you think I care?” Bellamy spits the blood out of his mouth.

 

“Her funeral is today,” Lincoln says somberly, “and I know you loved her more than anyone has ever loved another human being.”

 

Bellamy cringes at the word loved, past tense. He hasn’t stopped loving her.

 

Tears begin to stream down Bellamy’s face as the words, “I can’t” are almost strangled in his throat.

 

“I’m not asking,” Lincoln starts, “you’re going to come with me and take a shower and put on a clean suit. Then we’re going to go to the funeral and you’re going to be there for Clarke and hope like hell that she can forgive you. That girl loves you and I know you love her even if you have a poor way of showing it.”

 

Bellamy doesn’t say another word. He’s strong but Lincoln is stronger and he would prefer to leave this bar with all of his teeth still in his mouth. He’s not ready to go back to all of the places that remind him of Raven or see any of the people that cared about her. He’s not ready to see Clarke, to kiss the last lips that Raven kissed, to touch her or hold her. He can’t but he doesn’t really have a choice.

The silence in the car is heavy as Lincoln drives. Bellamy is glad he isn’t receiving a lecture on their way back to wherever it is Lincoln is taking him. He knows Lincoln is pissed at him; he would be pissed at him too. He can tell Lincoln feels sorry for him though. The pity is almost worse than the anger. He would let Lincoln punch him in the face again if he didn’t have to see that look in his eyes anymore. He remembers that look from when his mother died. Everyone looked at him and Octavia with that look in their eyes for months. It never made them feel better.

* * *

 

_Bellamy drops the toast onto her plate next to the sorry looking eggs he fried for her. At least the toast isn’t black. She smiles that little half smile at him as he sits down across from her. He isn’t particularly hungry but it’s morning and making breakfast feels normal._

_Octavia makes a face as she attempts to dip her toast into the eggs her brother made. The yolks are overdone; she’s always hated overdone yolks. She stabs at them with her fork anyway and pops a bite into her mouth. He went through all the trouble even though he’d probably rather be in bed right now. She sticks out her tongue at him and smiles when he actually laughs. She hasn’t seen him laugh in weeks._

_“Mom liked her eggs this way,” Octavia says._

_Bellamy shakes his head, “no, mom pretended to like her eggs this way because it’s the only way I can manage to make them.”_

_This makes Octavia smile. She knows it hurts him to talk about her but she likes to talk about her. It hurts less to miss her when she can talk about her mother._

_Octavia laughs, “she always used to eat the ones you made for me and then make me some the way I like them after.”_

_Bellamy nods at his sister, their mother would have done anything for either of them including eat terribly cooked eggs voluntarily._

_Octavia can see a single tear rolling down his cheek. It’s only been 7 weeks; he’s still hurting; they both are. He’d probably be gone, off drinking somewhere no one would find him if it weren’t for her. She’s glad he’s there. Her mother may be gone but at least she still has Bellamy._

_“She loved you so much you know,” Bellamy says, very matter of factly and Octavia knows but she likes to hear it anyway._

_“Loves,” Octavia corrects him, “present tense. We don’t stop loving people I don’t think, even when we’re gone.”_

_Bellamy nods, “loves,” he repeats. “I love you Octavia.”_

_“I love you too big brother.”_

* * *

 

He knows where they are as soon as Lincoln stops the car. He recognizes the front door of Lincoln and Octavia’s house even in his less than sober state. He gets out of the car and follows Lincoln up the front steps. There’s no point in trying to resist now; he’s already here.

 

“Octavia’s not here,” he informs Bellamy as he opens the front door. “She’s with Clarke.”

 

Bellamy winces like hearing Clarke’s name hurts him; it does. He’s hurting because he’s not with Clarke almost as much as he is over Raven’s death. This whole situation is his own fault of course, but it still hurts. Bellamy breathes a sigh of relief. He’s glad that it’s just him and Lincoln, even if Lincoln did punch him in the face an hour earlier. He’s not ready to face anyone else, not like this.

 

Lincoln throws him a towel and follows him upstairs. Unlike Bellamy he has showered multiple times in the last week and all he needs to do now is put on his suit. They’re supposed to meet Clarke and Octavia in another hour or so. The service starts at 1PM. Clarke decided an afternoon funeral was more appropriate because Raven hated waking up early.

 

Bellamy emerges from the shower and thankfully he no longer smells of the contents of an ashtray and the floor of the bar bathroom. Lincoln forces a suit into his hands. Bellamy recognizes it as one of his own, Lincoln must have taken it from his place before coming to find him. He wonders if Clarke and Octavia know that Lincoln went looking for him.

 

“She probably hates me at this point,” Bellamy speaks up when they’re half way to their destination.

 

“She loves you too much to hate you even though you apparently don’t love her enough to be there for her when she needs you.”

 

Lincoln’s words sting mostly because Bellamy knows he’s right.

 

“I do love her you know,” he defends weakly.

 

“Show her,” is all Lincoln says.

* * *

 

When they arrive Bellamy can see Clarke standing at the top of the hill. Her back is toward him and Octavia has her arm around her. There’s a small crowd of people gathered with them. Bellamy recognizes Miller from Raven’s shop and a few of the other guys who worked for her. All he can think about it is how ridiculous it is that Raven has so few people at her funeral. She was amazing. Maybe he’s lucky he’s one of the few people who saw it. He got to love her.

 

He stops half way up the hill. He doesn’t know how to approach Clarke. He doesn’t have the words to tell her how sorry he is. He didn’t know how to deal with everything when he woke up in the hospital and he still doesn’t know how to deal now.

 

He takes a deep breath and just keeps walking. He puts his arm on her shoulder and she turns around to face him. Tears begin to well up in Clarke’s eyes. She doesn’t say anything, just wraps her arms around his waist and buries her face in his chest. He wraps one arm around her shoulders and cradles her head with the other hand. He presses a kiss to the top of her head. They can talk later. Right now she needs him to hold her and he needs her just as much.

 

When she releases him she takes his hand in hers. She just holds on and still doesn’t say anything. Neither of them speaks at the service. Bellamy has eulogized Raven so many times in his mind since the accident; he just can’t say the words out loud. Clarke is just too broken; he can see it in her eyes. She looks like she hasn’t slept since he last saw her. Miller says a few words, they are kind but they don’t quite do her justice. Raven was everything he said she was and so much more.

 

If he was a stronger man he would get up there and tell everyone how beautiful and kind she was, how passionate and strong. She was a better person than he is. If he was the one being lowered into the ground today Raven would be up there singing his praises. He’s found himself wishing that were the case more than once in the last week. If only they got struck from a different angle. Raven would be alive and she and Clarke would have each other. Raven never would have left Clarke alone with her grief.

 

Clarke still doesn’t say anything as they walk back towards the cars. Bellamy follows Clarke into the back seat of a black car. She rests her head on his shoulder. The ride back to their place is silent. Clarke is asleep by the time they reach home. He wonders if this is first time she’s been able to sleep since the accident. He asks the driver to wait and they just sit in the back of the car in silence.

 

Clarke starts to stir a couple hours later. Bellamy watches her wake up. She never looks more beautiful to him than right after she wakes up. It doesn’t matter that her hair is messy or that she has sleep in her eyes and is barely coherent. He loves how content she always looks and the lazy smile she gives him. Right now though she isn’t smiling. He gets out of the car and helps her out of her seat.

* * *

Bellamy follows her into their home. He swallows hard. He’s not sure that he’s ready for this. He doesn’t know if he can handle being in the home they shared with Raven, seeing her stuff everywhere. He feels a flood of emotion wash over him as he walks through the front door. Everything is the same as the last time he saw it. The mechanical drawings Raven had been staring at for weeks are still scattered across the coffee table. He takes a seat on the couch and recoils slightly when it still smells like Raven’s favourite perfume. Everything about this place reminds him of Raven. He had years there with Clarke before Raven came along but those memories aren’t the ones that come to his mind today.

 

It takes him a second to register that Clarke is speaking to him.  

 

“Why did you leave me?” she asks. “I was in the hospital. Did you even know if I was okay before you left?”

 

He should have expected these questions.

 

“I thought it would be too hard to see you and not think of her. The doctor said you were alive.”

 

“I needed you,” she says and the pain in her voice cuts at him.

 

Tears begin rolling down Clarke’s face again and Bellamy moves to wipe them with his sleeves. He never meant to break her like this. He just needed some space; he needed to grieve alone this time. Clarke didn’t want to grieve alone though and he forced her to. There’s a pit in his stomach and he feels like he’s going to throw up. She was already hurting and he dug the knife in deeper when he walked out the hospital doors.

 

“Hey,” he says, cupping her jaw in his hands. “I love you, and I promise I won’t leave you again.”

 

Bellamy closes his eyes and presses a kiss to her lips.

 

When he pulls away he can feel Clarke tracing the bruise on his face with her fingers. It’s still fresh from his morning wake up call. She’s staring at him, not saying anything. She rests her forehead against his and they stay like that for a while.

 

It seems like hours have passed before either of them speaks up again. Bellamy looks at the clock and sees that only 40 minutes have ticked away. He’s tired, he hasn’t slept well either but they still need to talk. So much between them is still left unsaid. He knows Clarke is feeling a lot more than she’s verbalized so far. He brushes her blonde hair out of her eyes and kisses her cheek.

 

“I uh…I shouldn’t have left you,” he speaks up. “I’m sorry.”

 

Bellamy can hear her sigh deeply before she responds. It seems like it hurts every inch of her to speak right now. Everything she is feeling is weighing so heavy on her heart and Bellamy would do anything to lift that weight.

 

“I miss her so much,” she says.

 

Bellamy nods in agreement.

 

“She loves you so much you know.”

 

“Loved,” Clarke corrects him.

 

“Present tense,” Bellamy says, “we don’t stop loving people.”

 

Clarke doesn’t respond. He’s trying to make her feel better and it isn’t working.

 

They share a few more silent moments and then Clarke stands up. She takes his hand and pulls him up with her. She gestures toward their bedroom. Bellamy doesn’t know if he can go in there. He wonders if Clarke has been in there before today. He follows her anyway.

 

Clarke flops down on the bed pulling the blankets tight around her. Bellamy ignores the pounding in his chest. It takes everything in him not to start crying again. Clarke doesn’t need to cry anymore today, he knows she will if he does. He crawls in next to her and wraps his arms around her. As much as it hurts to be in this room this feels good.

 

“Can today just be over?” Clarke asks.

 

“Yes,” he says nodding, even though she can’t see him with her back touching his stomach.

 

He listens as she falls asleep. The rise and fall of her chest is calming. He falls asleep to the sound of her heartbeat. It’s not even 4 o’clock yet but Bellamy is with Clarke, he wants this day to be over.

* * *

 

Bellamy’s eyes open abruptly and it only takes him a second to realize that Clarke is no longer sleeping in his arms. He’s not sure how long they were out for; it could still be the same day they wished away or the next morning, afternoon or night. The light seeping through the curtains in their bedroom tells him it’s probably the next morning or afternoon.

 

He strips off the jacket he’s swearing. He no longer wants to wear this suit, hating everything that it means. He pulls on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. The shirt is technically his but Raven used to wear it more than he did. He thinks about taking it off and putting on something that won’t remind him of her but he realizes there is nothing that doesn’t remind him of Raven in this house.

 

When he leaves the bedroom he heads straight for the kitchen hoping Clarke is in there. Sure enough she’s sitting at the kitchen table, wearing another one of Bellamy’s shirts that Raven used to wear. He takes a look at the clock on the stove. It is a few minutes after noon. He’s not even surprised he could sleep that long, he is more than that many hours behind on his sleep. He is relieved to see that Clarke looks better rested than when he first saw her yesterday.

 

When she notices that he’s sitting across from her she gets up and puts a mug in front of him before filling it with coffee. There doesn’t appear to even be any milk or sugar in the house but he doesn’t care. Bellamy takes a swig of the black coffee, letting the bitterness coat his tongue and throat. It’s disgusting.

 

“So?” Bellamy says and the question hangs in the air.

 

He’s not even sure exactly what he’s asking. What do we do now without Raven? It hardly seems adequate. He doesn’t even want to do anything without Raven.

 

He watches as tears begin streaming down her face again; he would say for no reason but Clarke has more than enough reasons to cry.

 

“Clarke,” he almost pleads with her, “it’s okay.”

 

It is decidedly not okay though. Nothing is okay. There used to be three very happy souls that inhabited this space. Now there are just two people who don’t know which way is up, or where they’re headed. They’re both broken and hurting.

 

Bellamy finds himself at a loss for more words, any words that might help her.

 

“I don’t know how to do this anymore,” she starts, “We were Bellamy and Clarke and Raven and now we’re not and I don’t know how to be just Bellamy and Clarke anymore. I wish I did because Bell because you know I love you more than there are stars in the sky. You and Raven were, you are the loves of my life and without her here I don’t know how to be with you anymore.”

 

He didn’t see that coming. It sounds far too much like a break up speech than he is comfortable with. He doesn’t know how to be Bellamy and Clarke anymore right now either, but he doesn’t want them to stop being Bellamy and Clarke. They don’t end like this. Regardless of how awful either of them are feeling right now they are still Bellamy and Clarke.

 

Bellamy is standing now. He wants to move toward her but his feet don’t seem to move with his brain.

 

He wants to yell it but his voice comes out broken and quiet instead, “you lost her Clarke but I lost her again and now I’m losing you too.”

* * *

 

_Raven sits across from him, fiddling with a piece of metal she found in her pocket. He can tell that she’s nervous. She hasn’t taken more than one sip of her coffee and it is almost certainly cold after 20 minutes. He doesn’t push her to talk, he never does. That’s not really their style._

_“I’m sorry,” she says._

_“For what?” Bellamy asks, oblivious as to what she’s about to say._

_“I can’t do this anymore,” she starts to explain, “us,” she clarifies._

_Us is a funny word for her to use; they aren’t really an us by any stretch of the imagination. They sleep together and sometimes they get coffee and if it was up to him they would be an us but they are not an us._

_Bellamy just shakes his head. He knows what she means now. She’s going back to him._

_“Finn?” he asks._

_He wants to make her say it, even if he knows._

_She just nods._

_“I love him.”_

_He doesn’t say that if she loved him as much as she says she does she wouldn’t be here with him in the first place. He doesn’t say that if Finn loves her as much as she thinks he does he wouldn’t have cheated on her in the first place. He doesn’t say that he would love her more than Finn ever could. He doesn’t, but he wants to._

_“I hope he makes you happy,” Bellamy decides to say._

_It’s true. He really does want her to be happy._

_She smiles a halfhearted smile at him before she leaves the coffee shop. This isn’t a break up. You can’t break up with someone you weren’t actually dating. It feels like a break up though, and his heart is broken all the same._

* * *

 Clarke walks towards Bellamy and wraps her arms around him. Having her wrapped around him doesn’t make him feel any better this time. He can’t help but think about what happens when she lets go. He’s never imagined breaking up with Clarke. She’s it for him, she always has been since the moment he met her. At least that’s what he thought 5 minutes ago before she told him she can’t be with him anymore.

 

The way she kisses his lips feels like the last time.

 

“I’ll leave,” she says as she pulls away from his embrace, “I’ll go stay with my mom.”

 

Bellamy shakes his head. “No, I’ll go and stay with Octavia and Lincoln, if she’ll speak to me that is.”

 

He laughs. This situation isn’t funny but he can’t help it. He doesn’t want to be here anyway. Too many memories, at least as he walks away from Clarke he can walk away from everything that reminds him of Raven too.

 

An hour later Bellamy is at the door with a box. The box only contains some books, his underwear and socks and a couple of picture frames. He can’t look at them right now but he wants the memories for later. He leaves a lot of his clothes in the closet; the shirts have always looked better on Clarke anyway.

 

He doesn’t say anything as he walks out the door.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I have been terrible at updating this fic weekly but I finally have another chapter for you dedicated readers. We have made it to a Clexa part of this multi-ship story and this is my first time writing Clexa and Lexa in general. I was nervous to write Lexa so I do hope I did her justice. Enjoy the update and I do intend to come back with another soon, I know how this story ends now and I’m going to start winding down shortly. I really do love reading your reviews and comments so please if you have a moment leave me one here or send me a message on Tumblr (shesamarshmallow). Getting feedback always makes my day and gives me motivation as a writer.

Clarke scrubs her hands, adding more soap and watching as the blood washes down the drain. She wishes that both kids and adults would learn to stop sticking sharp objects into orifices where they don’t belong. If she encounters one more thing stuffed up an annoying 7 year old’s nose she’s probably going to leave it there, that’ll teach them. She grabs her stuff out of her locker and makes her way out into the hall. The brightness of the lights somehow always manages to startle her despite how long she’s worked at the hospital.

 

She runs her freshly scrubbed hands through her long blonde hair. It’s been a long day and listening to a kid scream for an hour was just the cherry on top. Clarke takes her phone out of her pocket and unlocks it and stares down at the screen for a moment. She sighs when she sees 3 unread text messages, they’re all from Octavia, again. It’s been 6 months and she is still constantly trying to check up on Clarke. The thought is nice but she just doesn’t know what to say. I miss Bellamy, that’s what she can’t bring herself to type. She shoves her phone back into her purse just as she collides with something, someone that is.

 

“I’m sorry,” Clarke breathes out, “I wasn’t watching where I was going.”

 

“It’s fine,” the brunette woman who she just ran into smiles at her. “You looked like you were lost in thought.”

 

Not entirely inaccurate. She had been thinking about what to say to Octavia. I’m fine probably won’t cut it much longer.

 

“I’m Clarke,” she introduces herself, “I haven’t seen you around here before.”

 

“Lexa,” the other woman responds, “I’m just looking for my aunt. Maybe you know her, Anya?”

 

Clarke resists the urge to snort. She knows Anya all too well of course. She decides to avoid mentioning to Lexa that she’s pretty sure Anya hates her because she can never be bothered to finish an entire book.

 

Clarke nods, “I do actually, we work together.”

 

“So you’re a nurse then?” Lexa asks, a smile still spread across her face.

 

“Yeah, I work in the ER. Super fun stuff, marbles up the nose, that kind of thing,” she explains to the stranger that is apparently related to the intense leader of her Nurse’s Book Club.

 

Clarke thinks Lexa is staring at her lips at little too hard as she responds but doesn’t think much of it. It can be awkward to make eye contact with someone you’ve just met; maybe she just needs somewhere to look.

 

She’s knows she’s wrong when the next words to come out of Lexa’s mouth are, “Would you like to maybe get coffee sometime Clarke?”

 

She’s at a loss for words. It’s been a long time since someone has asked her on a date; not since that night in the parking lot with Bellamy and Raven. She takes a minute to catch her breath. It’s still hard to think about Raven and there are so many little things that trigger memories.

 

“Yes,” tumbles from Clarke’s lips before she can stop herself.

 

She would very much like to get coffee with Lexa, who is gorgeous by any standard. Even the fact that she is related to possibly the most intense person Clarke knows isn’t a deterrent.

 

Lexa smiles and Clarke realizes that now she is staring at Lexa’s lips, but hey, she started it.

 

“How about I meet you here tomorrow? Do you work?”

 

“I don’t, but we can meet around here anyway. I love the coffee shop around the corner. Say 1 o’clock?”

 

It’s not a date if it’s in the afternoon, right.

 

“1 o’clock it is,” Lexa says, “I’ll see you then Clarke.”

 

She winks at Clarke before walking away and it is definitely a date.

* * *

 

Clarke feels a pang in her chest, like she’s just done something unspeakably awful. She suddenly hates that she’s excited for tomorrow. She shouldn’t be okay with the fact that an admittedly beautiful girl just asked her out. She shouldn’t have said yes. She wrings her hands nervously as she walks out to her car. Her brain feels like there’s a storm cloud hanging over it. Things were starting to look up, her world was feeling a little brighter and now this dark cloud threatens to soak her.

 

The tears start to fall as she rests her head on the steering wheel. She felt happy for a second, maybe two and now this flood of emotion. She rubs at her eyes, wiping the tears away with the sleeve of her sweater. She doesn’t want to be crying right now. She’s cried enough over the last six months, she just wanted one day. One hour where she doesn’t think about the cracks Raven’s death made in her heart. One minute where she doesn’t feel guilty for walking away from Bellamy. She just wants to move on.

 

The actual storm clouds in the sky don’t break open on her drive home. The weather report called for showers but the sky is starting to brighten up. Clarke wants to take it as a sign. She wants her life to be like the sky today, to brighten up even when it was dark for so long. She’s ready for everything to be beautiful again. She wants flowers to rise up out of the ground and she saw flowers again briefly when she saw Lexa.

 

Clarke rushes up the steps when she gets home. She’s on a mission and she doesn’t want to waste another second. She heads straight for her bedroom first. It takes her a minute to locate the items she’s looking for but spots them in the corner. There is a stack of four empty cardboard boxes. They’ve been sitting like that for months. Her mother and Kane brought them over for her but she wasn’t ready to use them until now.

 

She starts with the closest, grabbing one item after another and folding them before gently laying them in the box. Bellamy’s clothes are the first to go in, then Raven’s. She smiles at a purple shirt that Raven always wore. She bought it for herself but it looked so much better on Raven that she just let her keep it. After the clothes are packed away she starts adding books, mostly mechanical reference manuals. Bellamy took most his books when he left but Raven’s stuff is all right where she left it.

 

Her eyes start to water again when she looks at the framed pictures around the room. The first one she picks up is of Clarke and Raven kissing Bellamy on each of his cheeks. She thinks it’s from that time they went to the zoo and Raven shrieked louder than she has ever heard any human being sound when she saw the monkeys. There was an older couple passing by them as they were finishing up lunch and Clarke asked the woman if she could take a photo of them. She happily obliged and Bellamy’s goofy smile is on full display in the photo. She lays it gently into the box with one of his hoodies that she always used to wear. He left it for her but she hasn’t worn it since he left. It smelled too much like him, it still does.

 

She packs away all of the pictures except for one. As much as she wants to move on this therapeutic exercise isn’t about forgetting. She will never stop loving them and the picture she keeps on her nightstand will always be a reminder of that. Bellamy is sitting on the grass in Octavia’s backyard. Clarke is sitting in his lap and he has his arms around her. She remembers asking Octavia to take the photo because she liked her outfit that day. Just as Octavia went to snap the photo Raven photo bombed them by jumping in to give Clarke a kiss on the cheek. It has always been her favourite photo of the three of them. She wipes the dust from the photo frame and kisses it before setting it down on the nightstand again.

 

When all of the boxes are filled with her memories she stows them away safely in the bedroom closet. She never has any intention of getting rid of the stuff, just putting it away so she doesn’t have to see it every day. It’s been 6 months of staring at everything that reminds her of them. She needs some time where she isn’t staring at her past but looking towards her future.

 

Clarke spends her night tossing and turning. She doesn’t know if it’s guilt over packing away her life with Bellamy and Raven into boxes or if she’s just excited about her coffee date. She suspects a little bit of both.

* * *

She’s tired as she wakes up. Nothing a little coffee won’t fix. She inhales sharply as she opens the cupboard to grab a mug. It’s the first time in 6 months that the mugs Bellamy and Raven used aren’t in there. His was a navy blue mug that she got him from the college gift shop. Raven’s was white with glitter and flowers on it. She brought it with her when she moved in and Clarke always liked that it was sort of the antithesis of everything you would expect Raven to like. She refused to ever drink coffee from anything else and was devastated when one of the flowers started to wear off.

 

She grabs her own red mug that reads Nurses Rule. Raven got it for her a few weeks after moving in when Clarke’s previous mug fell off the counter and smashed. It is bigger than her previous mug and she always insists that her coffee tastes better from it than any mug she’d used previously. Raven would always wink and say, “That’s because it was bought with love.”

 

She grabs the newspaper on the kitchen table and unfolds it carefully. She grabs the Classifieds and reads those first. She’s been reading them ever since Bellamy left. He used to pick out all of the funny ones for her; they’re not as funny when she reads them alone. She always wonders if he ever reads the Classifieds for Octavia or whomever else he might have in his life. She tries not to think about who else Bellamy might have in his life. She made her choice not to be with him anymore but being without him hurts almost as much as being with him would.

 

Clarkes paces around her bedroom for half an hour when it comes time to get dressed for her coffee date with Lexa. She has butterflies in her stomach; she hasn’t felt nerves like this in a while. She usually knows exactly what to wear or doesn’t care what she’s wearing but she wants to look nice. Maybe that blue top, the one that’s lacy on top. She puts it on and then immediately takes it off after looking in the mirror. Raven loved that top because it brings out the best shades of blue in her eyes.

 

She puts on a black top next; it’s plain but cute enough. She’s never worn it before; her mother gave it to her for her last birthday. She didn’t really like it at first but never worn before is what she’s going for. These clothes hold no memories, the jeans are new ones she bought to replace her well worn and far too ripped pair. The necklace was her mother’s; it reminds her of her father but not of Bellamy or Raven. She puts on a new perfume; she bought it a few months ago when she couldn’t stand any of the scents Raven used to love. She almost doesn’t feel like herself in these clothes, the ones without any memories trapped in the fabric. They are perfect for her date; Lexa can be the first person to see her in this outfit.

 

She changes the station fifteen times on her way to the coffee shop. It’s become a habit since she started driving alone. The first one plays terrible music, the next one is Bellamy’s favourite station and every other station is playing a song that reminds her of everything she doesn’t have anymore. Raven’s favourite song starts playing and Clarke just turns the radio off. She doesn’t need music, she can just think about her game plan.

 

Does she tell Lexa the truth on their first date; that she’s still very much recovering from two devastating losses. It seems like too much information. It’s just coffee, this might go nowhere. Lexa might just stay Anya’s incredibly beautiful niece that Clarke once had coffee with. Maybe she doesn’t need to know. Maybe Clarke doesn’t want to share that part of her, not yet.

* * *

Clarke can see that Lexa has already arrived when she pulls into the parking lot. She’s sitting at a table by herself, she hasn’t ordered yet and she can see her checking her watch. She’s nervous too. The butterflies subside slightly as she walks toward the door. She’s nervous but she also can’t help but feel the joy bubbling under the surface. She’s doing something with her time other than sitting alone at home watching reruns and eating far too much rocky road ice cream.

 

Lexa stands up when she sees her walk in and smiles waving her over to the table. A table for two right in the corner. If Clarke hadn’t already decided that this was a date her choice of seating in the small coffee shop would have made it clear.

 

“Very nice to see you again Clarke,” she says and Clarke is staring at her lips again.

 

“Nice to see you too Lexa,” she offers, she’s always hated this awkward part of a first date.

 

Clarke is about to walk over to the counter and order when a waiter comes by and sets down two cups on the table.

 

“I asked Anya what you normally drink and I asked the waiter to start making our drinks when he saw a drop dead gorgeous blonde walk up to the door.”

 

Clarke can’t help but be amazed, and slightly surprised that Anya knows how she likes her coffee. She takes a sip and makes a mental note to be nicer to Anya at work. She got it right and it’s really good.

 

“What else did Anya say about me?” Clarke inquires, genuinely curious about what Anya actually knows about her.

 

“Well I told her I was taking you out for coffee and she said ‘don’t ask her to finish a book for you but other than that she’s a nice girl’ so she speaks highly of you,” Lexa informs her with a slight laugh.

 

It sounds exactly like the Anya she knows. She really should get over the fact that she never finished To Kill a Mockingbird and had nothing more to say than “Atticus seemed pretty cool,” at their meeting.

 

“My reputation precedes me,” Clarke announces as she laughs along with Lexa.

 

She watches the way Lexa’s lips curl when she’s laughing. The way her eyes get brighter and how she tips her head back slightly. If possible she looks even more beautiful under the lights in this coffee shop than she did the day they met the hospital. She looks the same of course, but Clarke finds her even more attractive now. She’s gorgeous and she kind of can’t get over how good she looks in the brown top she’s wearing and the just tight enough jeans that hug her waist.

 

“I should tell you that she also told me about Raven and Bellamy.”

 

Clarke’s face falls, if she was laughing a moment ago she certainly isn’t now. She does her best to hold back the tears that threaten to fall. She doesn’t want to ruin their date; she’s enjoying Lexa’s company and tears would be a real buzz kill right now.

 

“If it’s alright with you, I don’t want to talk about them right now.”

 

Lexa just nods, “it’s okay Clarke, I just thought you should know. I don’t know how comfortable I would be with someone I just met knowing something so personal about me.”

 

“It’s fine, I’m sure Anya meant well,” she assures her date.

 

Anya has no doubt noticed how somber Clarke has been since she returned to work two months after the accident. She probably just wanted to warn Lexa that she might not be the cheeriest person she’s ever met. She can’t really blame her; she’d probably warn her niece too if she were about to go out with someone who just lost their significant other.

 

“I lost my girlfriend too,” Lexa speaks up, “her name was Costia.”

“I’m sorry,” Clarke responds immediately.

 

“It was a couple years ago. She was in the wrong placed at the wrong time and ended up getting shot.”

 

Clarke is silent, she doesn’t want to interrupt Lexa’s story.

 

“I know you said you didn’t want to talk about them but Anya told me your story, I think it’s only fair you know mine,” she explains.

 

“You didn’t have to tell me that, but I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to share that. I uh…I know how much it hurts.”

 

An awkward silence falls over the table and Clarke just sips her coffee as Lexa stares over at her. She wants to say something, anything to break the silence but she’s just not sure what a good segway is from “okay, so both of our girlfriends died.” It’s certainly not the most cheerful of conversation topics.

 

“You’re not a rebound,” she speaks up, “I mean, if you thought that, you’re not.”

 

“Good to know,” Lexa nods, “but I didn’t think that. I don’t really believe in that anyway. You can’t really control when you meet someone you’re going to like.”

 

Clarke smiles, she makes a good point. If someone had asked her last week if she would meet someone and start dating yet she would have called them crazy. Running into Lexa in the hall way was a happy coincidence.

* * *

 

After the moment of awkwardness passes the conversation flows smoothly. Lexa works as a guide on wilderness tours. Clarke tries to imagine her all decked out in outdoorsy gear and the image is kind of hot, actually very hot. Lexa is very hot will probably be Clarke’s number one takeaway from this date, despite the fact that she’s been telling Clarke about herself for 20 minutes.

 

Clarke learns that she sometimes volunteers at the hospital in her spare time. She had just finished visiting with some kids when she ran into Clarke in the hall yesterday, or rather Clarke ran into her. She also owns a black lab named Grounder who judging by the pictures on her phone is just as cute as she is. Clarke loves listening to her talk about her dog, she has plenty of stories about him including one where she took him white water rafting.

 

She tells Lexa more about her job at the hospital and about her upbringing. She talks about Kane and her mom and how she had a dog growing up but no pets now. Clarke tells Lexa everything about her life, except Bellamy and Raven. They feel like a piece of her she wants to lock in a box and never let out right now. Maybe one today but today the conversation is light. Lexa isn’t telling her about Costia either so they’re both on the same page.

 

When Clarke looks down at her phone she’s surprised to see that it’s already verging on 5PM. The boy behind the counter politely informs them that he’s about to close up and asks if they want anything else before they go. Lexa politely declines and begins to walk toward the exit, Clarke following close behind her. When they reach the parking lot Clarke notices the only vehicles other than hers are a beat up red Honda Civic and a green Jeep, she guesses correctly that the jeep is Lexa’s.

 

“I had a nice time,” Lexa says as they stand next to her Jeep.

 

“I did too actually, I was nervous about going on a date but I liked it, I like you.”

 

When Lexa smiles at her Clarke nearly melts into a puddle on the ground. It’s been a while since she felt like this, like watching someone else smile was the only thing she ever wants to do for the rest of her life.

 

“I guess it’s safe to say there will be a second date then,” Lexa says and a question hangs in the air.

 

“I would love to,” Clarke says, smiling back at the other woman. “How does dinner tomorrow night sound?”

 

She’s taking a risk with her heart, it’s still so fragile but she has a feeling Lexa might just be worth it.

 

“Sounds perfect Clarke, can I pick you up at six?”

 

“Yeah, I will text you my address when I get home.”

 

“See you then Clarke.”

 

Lexa turns to get into the driver’s seat of her Jeep but turns around and meets Clarke’s eyes again. Clarke’s nerves are on fire; she has a feeling she knows what’s coming. Lexa takes one step forward and presses a kiss to her cheek before turning on her heel and getting into the driver’s seat.

 

“Goodnight Clarke,” she calls through her rolled down window.

 

“Goodnight Lexa.”

 

She can still feel the warmth on her cheek as she sits down in her own car. It feels like electricity is coursing through her veins. She doesn’t know how to feel about Lexa kissing her, mostly because she liked it. When Lexa’s lips brushed the skin on her cheek she wanted to move her own lips. She wanted to kiss Lexa back, to let her know how much she already drives her crazy. There was nothing stopping her other than the beating of her own heart in her chest, fast and erratic. She’s afraid to want Lexa like that. It still feels like she shouldn’t want anyone else, but she can’t help it, she does.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have officially reached the penultimate chapter of this roller coaster of a story. I’ve decided that Chapter 10 will be the final chapter and I’m excited to share the ending with you lovely readers. More exciting still though I will be posting 3 alternate endings after I wrap up. They were the 3 original endings I was choosing between before I came up with the 4th ending and the one I ultimately decided to go with for this story. I hope each one will offer a little something for everyone who has been reading this story. If you have a moment I would really appreciate it if you could leave a comment or review or send me a message on Tumblr with your thoughts. Thank you for sticking by this story and I hope you enjoy these final 2 chapters.

Clarke swirls the peas around with her fork. She’s always hated the stupid little green balls of nastiness. She stabs a couple of them with the tines of her fork; she should at least pretend to eat them. Kane made dinner for them and he doesn’t always remember that Clarke hates peas. He always gets it mixed up. He announced triumphantly at the start of the meal that he was going to make carrots until he remembered that Clarke hates them. She just sighed as she saw that he made peas instead. Clarke actually really likes carrots.

 

She watches as Lexa happily scoops peas up on her spoon and pops them into her mouth. Clarke knows she’s not just sucking up to her parents. She and Lexa have had many an argument over the last year about peas and all the other vegetables Clarke hates. Lexa likes them all, every single vegetable. Clarke can’t fathom why anyone willingly puts zucchini in their mouth. She listens as Lexa makes conversation with Kane. Clarke isn’t totally apathetic when it comes to politics, but she certainly doesn’t think it makes for good dinner conversation. Kane and Lexa apparently aren’t voting the same way in the next election.

 

Lexa winks over at her as Kane starts to get heated over something Lexa said about fiscal conservatives. He’s talking with his hands again and Clarke can’t help but laugh. She smiles back at the other woman and stuffs another bite of chicken in her mouth, chicken Clarke actually likes. Dinner with her parents on Sunday night has become sort of a routine, they’re over here almost every Sunday and Kane usually doesn’t make peas. Clarke was hesitant at first when her mother suggested she should start coming around for weekly dinners again. She couldn’t help but think about all the times she had sat around the very same table flanked by Bellamy and Raven.

* * *

 

_Abby sort of found out about Raven by accident. When she dropped by with a new blender for Clarke and Bellamy after she heard theirs broke she may have seen Clarke making out with Raven. Clarke couldn’t exactly let her leave thinking that she was cheating on Bellamy in their own home, or at all. Abby was slightly shocked at first, but overall way more cool with it than Clarke could have ever imagined. Then came the dinner invitation, a mere four weeks after Bellamy, Clarke and Raven became an actual, real life, official thing. Clarke couldn’t say no, she and Bellamy had been going to dinner there almost every Sunday for over a year at that point._

_Clarke laughs as Raven cringes at the sight of peas. They never make peas, Clarke hates them, Raven hates them and Bellamy is indifferent, though Clarke will never understand how anyone can be indifferent to peas. She knows Raven wants to make a good first impression on Abby and Kane but she really doesn’t want to eat the peas. Clarke puts a hand on her thigh and rubs it gently. Clarke doesn’t even have to say don’t worry._

_“I own my own garage,” Raven says proudly when Kane asks about her job._

_“She’s very good with her hands,” Bellamy manages to get out with a straight face._

_Clarke chokes on her water. He’s not wrong._

_Clarke hears Bellamy groan as Raven kicks him under the table. He is so not helping._

_She’s been waiting for it all night but it’s taken so long she’s a little surprised when she finally hears her mother say it._

_“So how did you two meet Raven?”_

_She knows what Abby actually means. Why did you and Bellamy decide to invite a third person into your relationship? She’s trying not to be judgmental; she does seem to genuinely like Raven._

_Bellamy is about to speak when Clarke cuts him off._

_“Bell knew Raven in high school actually, we ran into her when she moved back to town while we were out running errands.”_

_It’s not untrue; she just conveniently leaves out the part where Bellamy loved her in high school. She doesn’t want her mom or Kane to get the wrong impression. She cares about Raven, she wants her too just as much as Bellamy. She hopes they get that._

_She leans in close to Raven and presses a kiss to her cheek. This is her choice and she’s happy with it. She falling in love with her and she wouldn’t have it any other way._

_“That’s nice,” Kane says, it feels mostly genuine._

_“You know I really care about these two dorks,” Raven announces._

_Bellamy snorts. Of course she would say it like that._

_Abby smiles across the table at the three of them; she may not really understand it, but she’ll support them. She only wants Clarke to be happy and if the way Clarke is beaming at Raven is any indication, she is._

_They leave the house that night with containers filled with leftovers and the distinct impression that no matter what happens they at least have 2 people in their corner. Kane already seems ready to punch anyone in the face that has a negative thought to spare about his stepdaughter and her choice of life partners._

_Clarke takes Raven’s hand in hers as they walk towards their car._

_“Thanks for coming,” she says turning to Raven._

_“Anything for you Clarke.”_

_Bellamy wraps his arms around both of them from behind and places a kiss on top of both of their heads. Dinner with Kane and Abby is a lot more fun with Raven there; everything is a lot more fun with Raven there._

* * *

 

“Are you okay?” Lexa asks as they walk down the front steps after dinner.

 

“I’m fine, why?” Clarke doesn’t even look at her as she says it.

 

“You were so quiet at dinner. You’re normally more talkative.”

 

She doesn’t say that she was thinking about how Bellamy would have just changed the subject when Kane started talking politics. She also doesn’t say she was thinking about what Raven would have said about the peas. She probably would have fed them to Kane’s dog Dumbledore. She doesn’t say any of this though; she doesn’t want to hurt Lexa’s feelings. She cares about her too much.

 

“You know I don’t like talking politics,” she only half lies, she doesn’t but that wasn’t why she was so quiet.

 

Clarke entwines her fingers with Lexa’s and presses a kiss to her cheek. She’s relieved when she sees a smile spread across Lexa’s lips.

* * *

Clarke pulls her shirt over her head. It’s Wednesday and she has a rare day off. She brushes her long blonde hair out of her face and picks up a pair of jeans. She examines them closely; Lexa threw them on the floor rather hastily last night and they’re kind of wrinkly. She doesn’t see any stains though so pulls them on anyway. The wrinkles show but she doesn’t have plans to see anyone today. Her coffee and her book certainly won’t care that she looks kind of sloppy.

 

“Morning Clarke,” Lexa calls from the couch as Clarke walks into their living room.

 

“What are you doing here?” Clarke asks, taking a seat next to Lexa on the couch and throwing her legs over the other woman’s.

Lexa never has a day off in the middle of the week. They are forever hoping for weeks when their schedules align and Clarke gets a rare day off on the weekend. To say she’s shocked to see her girlfriend sitting on the couch at 10AM on Wednesday is an understatement.

 

Lexa smiles wide at her, “I took the day off so I could hang out with you.”

 

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Clarke pouts.

 

“You love sleeping in on your days off and I love you so I let you sleep.”

 

Clarke moves her legs and inches toward her girlfriend. She stops just short of her face. She moves back when Lexa moves in to meet her lips. Lexa hates it when she teases her. Clarke moves her head forward again and catches Lexa’s waiting lips in a kiss. She brings her hands up to meet Lexa’s face. Lexa’s lips smell of mint and raspberries, Clarke’s favourite lip balm. They’re soft and warm and Clarke loves the way they feel pressed against her own. She whines slightly when she’s forced to pull away and take in air.

 

They sit quietly for a few more minutes, Clarke’s head resting against Lexa’s shoulder. When Lexa moves to stand up she offers Clarke her hand. She kisses the hand Clarke places in her own and smiles, helping her up.

 

Clarke flicks the switch on their coffee machine when they finally make it into the kitchen. They would have made it there faster if Clarke hadn’t taken it upon herself to push Lexa up against the wall in the hallway. They could be drinking their morning coffee already if their pit stop didn’t involve Clarke peppering Lexa’s neck with kisses. Maybe they would even be eating breakfast right now if Clarke hadn’t gotten her tongue tangled up with Lexa’s for over fifteen minutes. What fun would that be though.

 

She laughs as Lexa straightens her now very messy hair. Clarke takes a seat at the table and watches as Lexa raids the fridge for ingredients. They haven’t been grocery shopping in a few days but Lexa is pretty resourceful. Lexa grabs two mugs when the coffee machine starts beeping. She dumps far too much sugar in Clarke’s cup, and a few drops of hazelnut creamer. Just the way Clarke likes her coffee.

 

Lexa drops the mug in front of her and presses a kiss to her lips before getting back to cooking.

 

“I thought we could go for a hike today and have a picnic.”

 

Lexa loves the outdoors; Clarke is not as big a fan. She doesn’t really want to go on a hike; she’s never in her life wanted to go on a hike. Lexa wants to go on a hike though and Lexa took the day off to be with her. She’s going on a hike.

 

“Let’s do it,” Clarke offers with as much enthusiasm as she can muster for a hike.

 

When they get to the front door Clarke notices that the picnic basket is already packed. More planning has gone into today than she originally thought. It’s sweet really.

 

“You know you’re amazing right?” Clarke says as they walk out the door and head to Lexa’s jeep.

 

Lexa blushes, “I love you Clarke Griffin.”

* * *

Clarke can’t believe Lexa does this kind of thing every day. The sun is beating down on them as they hike up the side of a mountain, very slowly in Clarke’s case. She’d probably have turned around by now and headed back home if Lexa didn’t look so damn good in the shorts she’s wearing. At least Clarke has that view because she’s honestly not sure if she’s ever going to make it to the top of the mountain to see the one they came for.

 

“Can we stop for a bit?” Clarke whines as they reach a flat spot. It looks like the perfect place for a rest.

 

“Sure,” Lexa agrees.

 

There’s not a hint of anything resembling tiredness in Lexa’s voice. She sounds content, happy even. Of course she does, this is her world, Clarke is just a visitor. The view from where they are now is kind of nice; they could just have their picnic here and go home. Clarke would be okay with that but Lexa definitely wants to reach the top.

 

Clarke sits down on the grass and stretches out her legs. She can tell they won’t be here for long when Lexa doesn’t join her. She watches as she just starts stretching her legs. It’s actually unfair how good she looks after hiking for over an hour. Clarke’s hair is a mess and she’s covered in sweat. Lexa doesn’t have a hair out of place. She looks good. Clarke isn’t surprised; Lexa always looks good.

 

Lexa waits patiently for a few minutes as Clarke takes a break. She takes a water bottle out of the picnic basket she’s carrying, opens it and hands it to Clarke. Clarke smiles a thank you and takes a sip. It’s hot out; she can’t fathom how Lexa isn’t dying of thirst at this point too. After she drains the water bottle Lexa offers Clarke her hand and helps her back on her feet.

 

“You ready to keep going babe?” Lexa asks though she’s already started walking.

 

She doesn’t comment when Clarke groans slightly. She follows Lexa as she heads further up the mountain. At least going down should be easier she thinks to herself as she watches Lexa climb with ease.

 

They walk mostly in silence. Lexa is always telling Clarke how her favourite thing about being outdoors is the peace and quiet.

 

“Hey Lexa,” Clarke calls out to her girlfriend.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Would you mind slowing down a bit so we can walk together?”

 

This would be slightly more enjoyable if she was actually hiking with Lexa instead of 10 feet behind her.

 

Clarke sees Lexa stop immediately to wait for her to catch up. Lexa takes her hand when Clarke reaches her. She doesn’t even complain that Clarke’s palm is sweaty and warm. She entwines their fingers and smiles at Clarke before continuing on.

 

Clarke thinks it takes them another hour to reach the top of the mountain, though according to her phone it’s really only been 35 minutes. The view up here is sort of breath taking. Even if it’s not her thing she gets why Lexa likes this. The sun is shining and there’s a lake surrounded by trees below them. The way the sun hits the lake at certain angles makes the blue really pop. Clarke whips out her phone to take a picture and notices the smile on Lexa’s face.

 

“Gorgeous,” Lexa remarks, “I love it up here.”

 

“It’s nice,” Clarke comments. It’s genuine; it is really nice up here even if it took them way longer than she would ever prefer to hike to reach the top.

 

Clarke watches as Lexa takes a blanket from her backpack and spreads it on the ground. She sets the picnic basket down on the corner of the blanket and starts to unpack it. Each item Lexa takes out of the basket is one of Clarke’s favorites. The sandwiches are chicken salad with the little pieces of celery and grapes that Clarke loves. The crusts are cut off, which Lexa always makes fun of her for but still does for her anyway.

 

The last thing Lexa pulls from the basket is a bottle of wine. It’s red and Clarke’s favourite kind if she’s reading the label right. It’s the same wine they drank on their first date at a fancy restaurant. Clarke’s heart sinks as Lexa takes out the plastic cups she brought and starts to pour the wine.

 

“I’m so sorry,” she blurts out.

 

“For what?” Lexa asks, raising an eyebrow.

 

“It’s our anniversary isn’t it?” Clarke says sheepishly.

 

She totally forgot. Lexa has had it circled on their calendar for a while. Clarke remembers seeing the hearts drawn in the square with purple glitter pen. It was so uncharacteristic of Lexa she couldn’t help but smile the first time she saw it. 1 year with Clarke it reads.

 

Lexa just smiles over at her, “1 year ago today I sat across from the most beautiful girl in the world in a coffee shop. It was the first time I felt genuinely excited about the possibility of a new relationship in a very long time.”

 

Tears start falling from Clarke’s eyes and she wishes she had sleeves to wipe them away. She doesn’t want to be upset right now, she’s supposed to be happy. Lexa doesn’t even care that she forgot about their anniversary, she’s just happy to be here with her.

* * *

 

_Any morning Raven wakes up to Clarke’s lips pressed against her own it’s a good morning. She tilts her head up, leaning into the kiss. It’s far too warm for Clarke to have her body wrapped around Raven’s but neither of them cares right now. It only gets warmer when Bellamy rolls over and wraps his arms around Clarke, his fingertips grazing Raven’s shoulder._

_“Happy one year anniversary to my two favourite people in the world,” Clarke almost shouts._

_“Here’s to many, many more,” Bellamy adds._

_Clarke can hear Raven’s voice crack, tears are on their way she knows it. “I love you both so much,” she says sniffing._

_Raven adjusts herself slightly on the bed. She leans over Clarke’s stomach to give Bellamy a kiss on the lips. He wipes the tears from her face with his sleeves, smiling back at her as she pulls away._

_“Did either of you make a plan for tonight?” Clarke asks._

_Bellamy shakes his head, “I thought we could just stay in.”_

_“I like that idea,” Raven agrees, giving him another peck on the lips._

_Clarke pouts, “so you don’t want to use the dinner reservations I got us to the French restaurant we ate at on our first date?”_

_She perks up when Raven smiles wide at her as she moves back over to her side of the bed. Clarke laughs as Bellamy and Raven each press a kiss to one of her cheeks._

_“This is why you’re my favourite girlfriend Clarke Griffin,” Raven says proudly._

_“You’re definitely in my top 2 for favourite girlfriends,” Bellamy teases._

_“I have to say,” Clarke starts, “I am pretty excited for those many, many more years you mentioned Bell. I’m going to love you both forever, happily.”_

_She sighs contently when Raven brushes the hair out of her faces and kisses her forehead. All they need is a few less items of clothing and this anniversary will be perfect._

* * *

 

“I love you so much Clarke Griffin,” Lexa starts speaking again, “I don’t care if you forget our anniversary every year, I’ll remember it for you.”

 

Clarke leans in to kiss her, breathing in the scent of Lexa’s perfume as their lips touch. Lexa takes a deep breath as Clarke pulls away and smiles at her. The moment has taken her breath away and she needs a minute to regain her composure. This moment, this view, nothing could make it more perfect.

 

“Clarke Griffin, will you marry me?”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there lovely readers. We have finally come to the end of this multi-ship tale. I really and truly appreciate every single reader who has taken the time to follow this story. I knew when I started writing this story that not everyone would enjoy it because it doesn’t focus on just one pairing. I have gotten some really lovely feedback and I genuinely appreciate every bit of it. I hope you’ll be happy with how I’ve decided to end it. As I mentioned before I will be posting 3 alternate endings for this story, a little something for everyone. If you do have a moment to leave some feedback in the form of a comment or review here or a message on Tumblr (shesamarshmallow) it would make me extremely happy.

Bellamy brushes the hair out of his eyes with his fingertips, he knows it will be back there in seconds. He pulls on a purple dress shirt, Octavia always says that it’s his color. He flips through the ties in his closet quickly and decides on one covered in dancing teddy bears; a gift from his niece Kya and nephew Avery. He looks in the mirror and adjusts the tie slightly, he’s never been that great at tying them. He looks at his hair again and resigns himself to the fact that it won’t stay out of his face. It’s fine, his messy hair has never bothered her before.

 

He pads down the stairs, it’s early but he doesn’t have to be quiet. Lincoln, Octavia and the kids are always up early. He smiles as Kya runs toward him and scoops her up in his arms. She’s five and he’s pretty sure he’s her favourite person, at least for the moment. Kids are fickle Octavia always tells him, he knows that all too well. He was Octavia’s favourite person one second and her enemy the next, at least until she was 18. He brushes her dark brown hair out of her eyes, she must take after him. She gives him a kiss on the cheek and Bellamy smiles.

 

“Morning Bell,” Octavia greets him as he enters the kitchen, “Coffee?”

 

Bellamy shakes his head. He wants to get on the road, he can stop by a drive through on his way.

 

“Do you want me to go with you?” she asks, “Lincoln can stay with the kids.”

 

He shakes his head again. Octavia always offers to accompany him, but he always declines. He likes, or rather he needs to be alone with his thoughts sometimes. He sets Kya down in her mother’s lap and watches as Octavia presses a kiss to her forehead. He was worried about her at first when he found out she was expecting the first time, but she’s a great mother. She always says she learned from the best and Bellamy can’t help but blush.

 

“I should be back for dinner,” he shouts on his way out the door.

 

“Okay. Call me if you need me,” Octavia yells back.

* * *

 

He gets in his car and tosses a doll and a pink blanket in the back seat. Kya is always leaving her things in his car, he doesn’t particularly mind as long as she doesn’t leave anymore lego in the car. His feet are still recovering from the last time he came outside to clean his car barefoot. He puts his car into drive and backs it out onto the road. The nearest drive through doesn’t have his favourite coffee, but he’s eager to get to his destination. He’s late enough as it is, he just couldn’t bring himself to wake up when his alarm went off this morning.

 

The cool wind whips through his hair when he gets out of the car. The air is crisp, it’s nice really and helps wake him up more than the now cooling coffee in his cup holder. He walks up the hill, stepping carefully on the grass. It’s bright out, the morning sunrise now high in the sky. He knows the way by heart now and navigates the path expertly. He stops and takes a look around when he finally reaches his destination. There are a few other people around but it’s mostly quiet; he prefers it that way.

 

He moves his fingers over the letters, Raven Maria Reyes is engraved in the stone. It appeared at the grave site a few weeks after the accident; Clarke’s doing. There’s a flower etched in the corner, a heart in the other and a line across the bottom that reads, “so very loved.” It’s beautiful and a shame he’s never had the opportunity to thank Clarke for arranging it. A tear begins to roll down his cheek the longer he looks at the stone with her name. Four years to the day he lost her, the day _they_ lost her. She would probably laugh at him if she knew he was all dressed up to visit her. She would love the teddy bears on his tie though and she always loved purple on him. She would brush the hair out of his eyes and kiss the tears away. She’s not there though, and he still wishes every day that they had stayed a little longer at Octavia’s or stayed overnight; anything to not be on that stretch of road when the truck hit.

* * *

 

_The rain is pouring down on him and he’s not dressed nearly warm enough for this weather. It’s appropriate that it would be raining, just like the night she died. A year has gone by both too quickly and much too slowly without her. Nothing feels okay without her next to him, it never will. He’s curled up, almost in the fetal position next to her grave. He’s not even sure if this is allowed but he doesn’t care. He needs to be with her tonight, he can’t bear to be alone._

 

_“I never should have let you go,” he says. “I should have told you I loved you more than Finn ever could have. We could have had so many more years together.”_

 

_He feels an ache in his chest as he waits for an answer he knows will never come. He’s always regretted not telling Raven to pick him all those years before. It hurt to miss her so badly when she picked Finn; his sorrow right now is infinite._

 

_“I love you so much.”_

 

_He knows she loved him too. He would do anything just to hear her say it one more time._

 

_He takes out his cellphone and roughly pounds the numbers to dial his voicemail. He presses 2 to play any saved voicemails, there’s only 1 there._

 

_“Heeeyyyyy Bell,” comes Raven’s voice through the phone, “we’re at the store. Do you need anything? Call me back love.”_

 

_Click._

 

_He plays it again. And again. And again._

 

_He’ll never get tired of hearing her voice._

 

_He texted her instead to say he didn’t need anything and just wanted them to come home. He wishes he had called her. It would have been one more time he could have talked to her before she died. He should have called her just to say he loved her, even if he didn’t need anything. Should have is his least favourite phrase._

* * *

 

He sits down next to her headstone, the grass in this spot is patchy and yellow, nothing like the pristine green of the rest of the cemetery. He’s sat there many an afternoon, blocking the sun from reaching the blades. He’s had his afternoon coffee right here more times than he can count. Raven always loved the smell of coffee, especially on Bellamy’s lips. He stretches out his legs in front of him and leans back, his arms extended behind him holding him up.

 

“Some days I wish I could miss you less. I wish my heart didn’t ache every time I hear a song you loved or watch a show you always teased me for liking. Some days though I feel too happy, like I don’t miss you enough and I want to miss you more. I go on my laptop and look at the photos backed up from your phone. I used to think you took too many selfies, now I wish there were more. Every smile hurts, but I love to see you smile.”

 

Bellamy pulls his knees up to his chest. The tears are flowing now and he didn’t think to bring any tissues, even though he needs them every time he visits Raven. He wipes his face with the sleeve of his purple dress shirt. He can taste the salt on his lips as the tears continue to fall, he’s used to this.

* * *

 

He exhales deeply and wipes his eyes again when he hears footsteps headed his way. It’s rare for anyone else to be around when he is here in the middle of the day but maybe someone else needs to see their lost loved one as much as he does right now. He stands up and thinks briefly about leaving to give whoever it is a private moment. When he sees blonde hair shining in the bright afternoon sun he knows exactly who it is.

 

“Clarke,” he says smiling when she reaches his spot.

 

“Bellamy,” she replies. The hint of sadness in her voice is obvious. “Hey.”

 

He wants to tell her about his day or ask her about hers. It doesn’t feel like the first time they’ve spoken in four years. It almost isn’t. He knows she’s called him and hung up numerous times. She probably didn’t consider Caller ID every time she wanted to talk to him. She just wanted to hear his voice again and when he would pick up and say hello, it was almost enough.

 

“How have you been?” he asks like it isn’t a loaded question.

 

She doesn’t answer immediately, there is so much she could say right now it’s hard to condense four years into a simple answer.

 

“I’m good Bell, how about you?” she says, turning the tables.

 

“I’m good too,” he answers, it’s not entirely untrue.

 

He doesn’t add except for the fact that I still miss you so much sometimes it hurts. This doesn’t feel like the time for that.

 

They stand silently for a few moments and Bellamy just watches as Clarke stares down at the headstone. She looks at it the same way he does, with love in her eyes. He’s never run into her here before but he can tell she’s a regular visitor. The pink and purple flowers that are always laying by the stone are Clarke’s doing, he’s always known it.

 

“She’s beautiful,” Bellamy speaks up after a few minutes.

 

He’s been eyeing the child on her hip ever since she first walked up to him. She can’t be anymore than 2 years old, with brown hair, dark eyes and a bright smile.

 

Clarke smiles at him and his heart skips a beat. He’s missed that more than he thought.

 

“She looks like Lexa,” he says next.

 

If it weren’t for Octavia he wouldn’t even know who Lexa is. She met Clarke for dinner once a couple years ago and she brought Lexa with her. It was as awkward as you could expect dinner with your former long term boyfriend’s sister and your new girlfriend to be.

* * *

 

_Octavia nearly chokes on her water as Clarke sits down at the table with a tall, very tanned brunette woman. She doesn’t mean to be so obvious but it’s a bit of a shock. Clarke had finally agreed to meet her to catch up almost a year after Raven’s death and her breakup with Bellamy. Octavia missed her almost as much as her brother did and she just wanted to know that she’s okay. If the way she looks at Lexa is any indication she’s doing just fine._

 

_“This is Lexa,” Clarke introduces her girlfriend._

 

_“Hi,” Octavia says cautiously, “I’m Bellamy’s sister Octavia.”_

 

_Lexa offers her hand to Octavia, “it’s nice to meet you, Clarke has told me so much about you.”_

 

_Octavia can’t help but wonder how much Clarke talks about Bellamy to Lexa. She can’t imagine she could share very much about her life without including her brother. He meant so much to Clarke for so long she’d be hard pressed to leave him out of her life story._

 

_She learns that Clarke and Lexa have been together for almost 6 months. She’s a little shocked that Clarke would move on so quickly but she knows how badly Clarke probably wanted to feel okay again. Lexa seems to make her happy. She’d rather see her happy with Bellamy but she cares too much for Clarke to begrudge her any ounce of happiness after what she’s been through._

 

_Despite the initial awkwardness the conversation flows smoothly for most of the night. Octavia learns that Lexa works outdoors and that she and Clarke met when Clarke went back to work at the hospital. She can’t help but laugh out loud when she finds out that Lexa is Anya’s niece, she’s heard a few stories about Clarke’s favourite co-worker Anya._

 

_It’s unexpected when Clarke wraps her arms around Octavia when she goes to leave._

 

_“I’ve missed you,” she whispers in Octavia’s ear._

 

_“I’ve missed you too,” Octavia says smiling, “keep in touch.”_

 

_“I miss him too,” Clarke adds, “I do. I didn’t stop loving him, I just couldn’t look at him and not be haunted by Raven’s death. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to again.”_

 

_Octavia doesn’t respond, just squeezes Clarke tight in return. She watches as Clarke and Lexa walk out of the restaurant hand in hand. It’s cute really and Lexa seems to be good for Clarke. She never thought she’d see Clarke smile again after the day Bellamy walked out the door but she had smiled plenty tonight._

* * *

 

Octavia had brought him home a picture of Clarke and Lexa the night she had dinner with them. As much as he hated to see that Clarke was in a new relationship he was glad to see her happy. He missed when Clarke would smile at him the way she was smiling at Lexa in the picture. He threw it in the trash that night but retrieved it the next morning. He couldn’t bring himself to part with a picture of Clarke happy, even if it wasn’t with him.

 

Clarke laughs and Bellamy’s brain is flooded with memories of that laugh. It feels so good to hear it again after all these years.

 

“Lexa and I split up a few years ago,” she explains, “she proposed and I said yes but she didn’t want kids and I did, I do.”

 

Bellamy knows how much Clarke wanted to be a mother. She was over the moon when she found out that Raven was pregnant. It must have sucked for her to be happy again only to have to break up with Lexa because they wanted different things in life.

 

“I couldn’t wait anymore after that, I wanted to have a child so I adopted her when she was about two months old.”

 

Bellamy suddenly wants to see a picture of Clarke with her daughter as a baby.

 

“Well I’m sorry things didn’t work out with Lexa, but you look happy.”

 

“I am, very happy. Little Raven here is a ball of sunshine. Aren’t you babe?” Clarke says, pressing a kiss to her young daughter’s cheek.

 

Her daughter giggles and Bellamy’s breath is caught in his throat. Of course she named her first child Raven, in loving memory.

* * *

 

_Raven presses a kiss to Clarke’s cheek and sticks out her tongue when she turns her head toward her. They’ve been laying in bed all morning but neither of them care. It’s warm and comfortable in bed and they have important business to attend to._

 

_“What about Aurelia?” Raven asks skimming through the big book of baby names open in front of her._

 

_“It’s pretty,” Clarke agrees._

 

_“Veto,” Bellamy shouts from down the hall._

 

_He runs into the room and flops down onto the bed next to Clarke and throws his arm over her back. Her skin is warm and he has always appreciated her penchant for lying around the house topless._

 

_“Remember,” Raven warns, “you only get one veto as the parent who is not housing the baby in their uterus.”_

 

_Bellamy laughs, “worth it, I really don’t want to have to tell people my daughter’s name is Aurelia.”_

 

_“What about Sasha?” he suggests, “it means defender of mankind.”_

 

_“Sounds like a lot of pressure for a baby,” Clarke jokes, “but it’s nice.”_

 

_“I like it too, 3 yes votes means it goes on the short list,” Raven advises them._

 

_“You mean the short list that already has 17 names on it?” Bellamy asks raising an eyebrow._

 

_“Yes, that short list,” Clarke defends, catching his lips in a kiss before he can say anything else._

 

_He snorts, “I love you both so much. You can name the baby whatever you want...as long as it’s not Aurelia.”_

 

_The three of them laugh as Bellamy pulls the book in his direction and starts flipping through the names. If any of the ones his favourite ladies have highlighted are their top choices he might regret his last statement, he’ll need another veto._

* * *

 

“Would you maybe want to come back to Octavia and Lincoln’s for dinner?” he asks, hoping she can’t hear the hesitation in his voice.

 

When she says “that would be nice” in response he breathes a sigh of relief.

 

“I just want to stay here a little bit longer,” she advises him, “I haven’t been up to see her in a while.”

 

Bellamy sits back down in his well worn spot on the grass and watches as Clarke takes a seat across from him, her young daughter in her lap. They sit quietly. Everything that has been unsaid between them for 4 years can stay unsaid for a few moments longer. She reaches over and takes his hand in hers. Bellamy watches as her little girl drifts off to sleep. The afternoon sun is beating down on them but there is nowhere he would rather be right now. He can waste an afternoon away like this, with Clarke.

* * *

 

He smiles as he opens his eyes and a pair of blue ones are staring deep into them. She’s smiling at him and it almost feels like this isn’t the first he’s woken up next to her in years. She rolls over closer to him and he can’t help but stare at her lips. She licks them and gives him a sly wink. He leans in and presses a kiss to them, soft and sweet. A rush of emotion comes over him, he’s longed to do that ever since he left their home for the last time. It feels better than he imagined kissing her again would feel.

 

“I missed that,” he says quietly.

 

She hums into him in agreement, her face now buried in his chest. The room is silent, it’s just the two of them. He heard Octavia shout something about taking the 3 kids to the park about an hour ago before rolling back over to sleep some more. Before he knows it Clarke’s hands are in his hair, her lips just touching his again. If she never stopped doing what she’s doing with her tongue right now he’d be perfectly content.

 

“Did you love her?” he speaks up when they break apart, not sure if he should really be asking the question.

 

“Lexa?” she responds, even though she already knows exactly who he’s asking about.

 

“I thought I did,” she starts, “I loved that she was someone I could be with and not think about Raven or you. I felt like I was using her to make myself feel better and she deserved better that. Better than someone who still loves her ex-boyfriend.”

 

“Loved,” Bellamy quickly corrects her.

 

She laughs, “loves, present tense. We don’t stop loving people.”

 

“I love you too,” Bellamy says confidently, “I love you too Clarke.”

 

He presses another quick kiss to her lips before rolling off the bed. He stands there smiling over at her sprawled out on the bed.

 

“You coming?” he asks, beaming at her.

 

“Are you going to make me coffee?” she says with a smirk.

 

“That can be arranged.”

 

She follows him to the kitchen, the house still quiet. As promised he puts on a pot of coffee and starts digging around, clearly looking for something. Last night is mostly a blur, dinner led to watching a movie on the couch and a movie led to a drink or two, drinks led to staying overnight and Clarke ending up next to him in bed in the morning. There’s a lot to talk about, they haven’t seen in each other in four years but it almost feels like it doesn’t matter. He finds what he was looking for in the bottom drawer. When he turns back to Clarke he’s smiling from ear to ear.

 

“I was originally planning to give you this a few days after the accident,” he starts and Clarke can see his eyes begin to water.

 

Tears begin to flow from her own eyes when she sees the shining ring he’s slipping on her finger. Under normal circumstances an engagement ring after one night together would seem odd but they haven’t lived under normal circumstances since they lost Raven. She eyes the ring on her finger and smiles as Bellamy reaches out a hand to wipe the tears from her eyes. His lips meet hers before she can even get out an answer. He knows what she’s going to say without her having to say a word. She would have said yes back then, and she’ll say it now. She didn’t think she could live with him, but she definitely can’t live without him. Being with him reminds her of Raven every day, but that may not be such a bad thing after all. Memories of Raven still hurt her heart but she’d rather remember her every second than ever forget how much she loves her; present tense.


End file.
